Thankful Thursday # 32

So I have been feeling a little bit out of sorts lately. Grumpy and short-tempered. At first I thought it was just the cough that's been keeping me awake at night for the last week. Now I think it's also the lack of this. Of gratitude. So here is my fix:

1. My boyfriend. I have the most loving man by my side, and these past few days I have felt especially loved and cared for as I nurse myself back to health.
2. Working from home. I have a job where I am lucky enough to be able to work from home whenever I need. This means that on those days when I am feeling slightly under the weather but not enough to justify calling in sick, I can just sleep through my commute time and just work from the comfort of my home. In comfy wear. With scented candles on and an endless supply of tea.
3. Christmas-time. I love, love, love Christmas. And with all the madness this year has brought, I am looking forward to a few days to chill.
4. Our guest bedroom. Having a spare bedroom means I can sleep alone when the coughing gets too much. It's bad enough this keeps me awake at night; I'd feel terrible if it meant disrupting my boyfriend's sleep too.
5. Knitting in Winter. I am blessed with the disposable income and the free time to knit. I don't do it too often (hence why I will always be mediocre at it), but when I do, I thoroughly enjoy it. At this time of year, nothing beats a cheesy Christmas film with a scented candle on and some knitting to keep me going.
6. Youtube. I have no memory for crafts. Zero. I have lost track how many time I have asked my boyfriend's mom to teach me how to cast off. So I thank the good knitters on Youtube who went to trouble of uploading tutorial videos that save me the embarrassment of having to ask the same questions again and again.

The pits of overplanning

All my life I needed a plan D. Because having just a plan B was for the unprepared, so I needed to go to at least that fourth level of preparation. And while it made me excellent when the time was right (which it almost never is), it changed the person I was for the worse. So much worse. Here is what it has taught me.

Overplanning dials up your panic mode. You need to plan when it's important that things go right. When it could be potentially catastrophic if your plans fall apart. So if you overplan for everything, then your brain will start to think that any small thing going wrong could have catastrophic consequences. Because surely if you are spending the time and energy putting together a plan D for if you can't find that book in the first bookstore, then it must be important. If you need a plan for what to do if it rains and your coat isn't waterproof and your umbrella breaks, and there are no shops or cafes to go inside and wait for it to pass, then that must clearly mean that water on your skin will make you melt like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz. Overplanning makes everything massively important and it dials up your panic mode until you feel that living with the constant anxiety is normal. Like you are an oversight away from the end of the world.

Overplanning means underliving. If you are busy shutting the world away, constantly honing your battle plans, you will plan your life away. That is what happened to me. As a teenager I was always thinking about what was the next cleverest thing I could say in a group conversation, and by the time I had the ultimate comeback, the conversation had moved on. And worse; this would continue indefinitely and I even when I did say something, I would carry on overthinking how I could have said something smarter, funnier, more interesting. The perfect comeback would come to me hours (days!) later when it was pointless. It left me with constant anxiety and feeling I was less capable than everyone else. Also I was never living in the present; I wasn't listening to the conversation, rather I was trapped inside my head running loops like a frantic hamster in a wheel after it's been given way too much caffeine.

Overplanning kills adaptability. Struggle is the mother of evolution. It's a basic principle; unless challenged and threatened, living things have no need to change. Why bother? It would be a useless energy expenditure to improve something that already works. So we need plans to go awry to change and adapt. The ability to adapt, to improvise when things go wrong is something that requires practice. It's like sharpening a blade; you stop doing it and it will go dull. So if your plans are so comprehensive that everything always goes according to plan you don't need to improvise. You just follow your own script. But sooner or later you will need to deal with something that you failed to anticipate that day you will need how unprepared overplanning has made you.

Overplanning narrows your comfort zone. Isn't it great when everything goes according to plan? Or when you dazzle everyone (yourself included) by being prepared for something that does go wrong? Like you were expecting it all along and Fate just couldn't outsmart you even with a sudden turn of events? Yes, it does. It makes you feel awesome. But at what cost? The more things go the way you plan then, the lesser your ability to react when they don't. Also, the more you cushion your life, the harder it is to endure the slightest discomfort. If you are caught in the rain, is it really that bad? Which brings me to...

Overplanning gives you tunnel vision. It robs you of the ability to ask yourself So what? and see things for what they are. Yes, you forgot to bring a coat and your commute home is colder than you expected, so what? It's just a temporary discomfort; the moment you get home you will get warm again and all will be well with the world. In fact, whenever this happens to me I have learnt to focus on how much more I will appreciate the warmth in the short future because I am cold now. It also give you perspective. Many a time I have had to tell myself If you can stomach a cold shower (because the gym ran out of hot water), you can *insert whatever distasteful activity I don't want to do*. Now if I hand't had that cold shower I couldn't say this, could I?

Overplanning destroys your self-esteem. The more I planned for the unexpected, the more I felt unable to deal with life. Overplanning made everything bigger and scarier while making me feel more and more dependant on my plans. Like I wasn't strong enough to survive without them. After all there is no valour in following a script. It is when things go wrong and you have to make it on your own, to find solutions on the spot, that you see your true worth. It was only when I opened myself to the unexpected that I started to see that even when things did go wrong, that I was strong and able enough to deal with them. That they weren't so bad after all. And that build confidence.

Overplanning kills spontaneity. If you stick to what you know, you will never learn anything new and worst of all, you will never be surprised. Your vision will never broaden and you will lose your sense of marvel and wonder. And who knows what awaits if you take the road less travelled? A couple of years ago, the boyfriend and I were driving to Lizard Point in Cornwall. As we approached our destination we spotted a handmade sign just off the side of the road saying Cider Barn. This was not in our plans, which we tend to follow like gospel, but we made a promise to spend ten minutes less in Lizard Point to check this out on our way back. In the end Cider Barn allowed us to taste and buy incredible local ciders and lovely glassware that we now use for candles whenever we run a bath. It was a gem of a find that we never would have explored if we just stuck to the plan.

I don't mean to say to live your life winging it. To never prepare. No, by all means lay your plans down. Plan for A and B. If it's really important, go for C. Just don't run through the alphabet. Learn from me and open yourself to some degree of uncertainty. Trust me, there you will find treasures you don't know you seek. Inside and out.

Multipotentialite

Today I learned that I am a multipotentialite. If - like me until an hour ago - you have no idea what this means, I would highly recommend watching Emilie Wapnick's TED Talk on it (here). Suddenly my mind makes so much more sense! Turns out I am not a lone weirdo, there's more of us and we are so awesome!

My whole life I was criticised for my inability to follow through on my hobbies, for being too obsessed with my interests, only to flutter to a new one like a butterfly going from flower to flower. I have always devoted myself to things wholeheartedly, but nothing was forever, and everything was always all or nothing. A quick walk around my house and you'll find the yoga gear I stopped using a few months after I got started, books I bought a decade ago and haven't gotten around to reading and countless crafts projects abandoned halfway. I fully intend to return to all these things, my attention simply got pulled elsewhere. And there's no middle ground with me.

I was told I was fickle, that I didn't truly love anything, because if I did surely I would stick with them. I was shown time and again that to succeed and be happy you needed to devote yourself to your choices, and that constantly changing your mind was irresponsible and immature. You can't build a career this way, you can't pay a mortgage and that you couldn't have this sort of behaviour if you wanted to raise a family. That if you are constantly starting over you will never excel at anything and you will always be average (like that is an insult).

For most of my life people have tried to change my ways, as if it was a matter of choice. As if by trying really hard I could be normal and I could stick to only a handful of interests. Or they tried to have me be less into *insert current obsession*. Because apparently normal people don't wake up one day with a desire to read about the Vietnam war or spend a month memorising the first two acts of La Traviata. And by Jove, I needed to stop talking about Alexander Hamilton!

No one ever asked me about how life is through my brain. Why I am the way I am. (Not sure that last sentence has an answer, but at the very least no one asked me the thinking behind my behaviour.) Here is a few secrets: normalcy is boring. Life is too short to only be one thing. The more you stick to the same things, the smaller your comfort zone becomes and the less you are able to adapt to new challenges. Normative doesn't breed out-of-the-box thinkers. In fact, normalcy kills innovation. You need us to take you to new places. And we need you to be our north star so that we don't stray too far (at least I do). Because left to my own devices I would gladly trade sleep for one more episode or chapter, only to suffer the brutal consequences the next day (because my body is not eighteen anymore).

In true fashion, I am now obsessed about exploring what it means to be a multipotentialite (how meta is that?), so I will probably carry on writing about the challenges and rewards, as well as my ground rules for not let it take over my life completely. Or not. Maybe I'll become obsessed with something else before I ever get to write those posts. Because that's who I am, and it's plain awesome. 

I didn't wake up like this

Over the last few years people sometimes approach me to tell me how they wish they were more like me. That they too could laugh at their misfortunes, that they could be as motivated to get up at stupid am, or as strong to deadlift more than 50kg. That they could be as confident to  not care that they look silly blowing bubbles in the park, or as organised and prepared to bring sunscreen to impromptu work lunches outside. They admire my spontaneity, my quirkiness, my child-like wonder. Though mostly they mention the getting up at stupid am.

Here is the thing: I didn't wake up like this. I am the product of years and years of work. I too was once the complete opposite of what I am in that first paragraph. I too hated myself and would ignore my live passing me as I binge watch stuff on the sofa. While eating crap food. In fact, for the first twenty years of my life, the only fruits and vegetables I ate were banana and lettuce. I couldn't run for a full minute. I firmly believed I had been born with less motivation and strength than everyone else. I was just unlucky. I would never be strong or inspire anyone in anything, except what not to do. I was Sandra Bullock at the beginning of every 90s rom-com, except fatter, weirder and lacking in natural charm. Also no cats. At least that is how I viewed myself.

When I started my journey I never - ever! - could've dreamed I could come this far; that I could ever be this comfortable and proud of myself as I am now. I wasn't in this believing I was going to be this super version of myself; I just wanted to be better than I was.

I am going to spare you the two-minute inspirational montage where our hero (that's me!) trains arduously to achieve their goals to the sound of Eye of the Tiger or something like that. The reason being that my journey isn't really that important to you. It is my journey. You find whatever works for your journey. You just have to catch yourself the next time you say "I wish..." and do something (anything!) about it. Just get started and the rest will come.

Few things make me happier than knowing my life inspires others. If I have motivated you to change anything about your life, please let me know; that just fuels me even more to get better and better. Just make sure you are not comparing your beginning with my middle. The truth is the only differences between whatever it is you admire in me and you is not strength or motivation, but time and action.

You are not going to simply wake up one day and be the person you want to be. You hone yourself into being that person. Day by day. Make the commitment. One day you will wake up where you want to be, but it won't be like this *snaps fingers*. And the fact that it was something hard earned will make that day so much sweeter.

On belonging

Yesterday the boyfriend and I were watching Guardians of the Galaxy vol.2 on the sofa. If you haven't seen it, go watch it, it's awesome! After you do, go check out Lindsay Ellis' review on Youtube (link here). More than a great Marvel film about saving the galaxy, to me it's a story about family. Finding your tribe and also going back to the people you may have overlooked. I could write many, many posts on how I relate to the different characters in this film (again, watch the Youtube review), but for now I will just focus on Rocket.

It's obvious that every single one of these characters have been pretty messed up by life, Rocket being no exception. The thing that struck me is how much of a dick he is to everyone in this film (apart from baby Groot, but then again, who can resist baby Groot?) and how much I related to that behaviour. To the outsider he may simply look pissed off or that he is actively trying to drive people away. To me it's the exact opposite; Rocket behaves like someone who has found a family for the first time, and he is scared of being left again. After being mistreated his whole life, he has found a group of people who accept him and see value in him. An unlikely tribe of people, just as weird, who love him. People he loves back. And he doesn't know what to do with it. So he lashes back. Because a good part of him still expects to be abandoned, so he lashes out to see if people will still stick around. I know. I used to be him.

Maybe I am looking too deeply into this, but in this film I see myself in Rocket a lot. I used to throw my weirdness at people to see if they still stuck around. Throughout my early years I learned that if I showed who I truly was, people would leave me. I was too weird. Too quirky. I tried hiding it, but as friendships grew my quirkiness would start to leach out. And then people would leave and I would be heartbroken. So I learned to skip this step and I would just throw my weirdness at people to see if they left or if they stayed. If they stayed then they were worth investing in, because they had already accepted my weirdness.

Sometimes I am told I take too much pleasure in my quirkiness. That is true, I do enjoy it now, but there is so much more to that statement. In the past I did it to test people, and to prove to myself that I was worthy of their love, because they clearly accepted me despite of my quirkiness. There was a dark pit made of a lack of self-love, acceptance and belonging that I couldn't fill. So this was my attempt. 

Throughout the years I learned many things that changed my view of this. I know I am loved, regardless of how weird I am, and a lot of times I am loved because of that weirdness. I belong. Period. In many hearts, and some families, I belong. My quirkiness inspires others. It is one of my favourite weapons to better the world. I don't need people to prove their love to me anymore. And I am here to prove my love to them. To everyone in my life who is still a Rocket. Who still steal batteries they don't need (go watch the film!).

In my memories of who I was there will always be a Rocket. And he now knows that he is loved.

Don't stop me now*

According to Newton's first law (how my boyfriend explained it to me), an object at rest will want to stay at rest, while an object in motion will want to stay in motion. Apparently that's inertia for you...?

Why am I writing this? Well, because I very much feel the same. The longer I stay in motion, the harder it is to stop. The busier I get, the less I can stop and assess how I am doing and what I need. Busyness fuels itself and before you know it you are doing something completely out of character and you have no idea how you got there. In my heyday I snapped at someone who had nothing to do with whatever issue was plaguing me, I stress ate my way through... lets just say a lot of crap food, I had bursts into an ugly cry over the smallest remark. All of these things came because of something else that went undiagnosed. My problem(s) had started days/weeks before, and I just carried on instead of taking the time to sort myself. I just bulldozed my way through life because I wouldn't stop. I couldn't, I was too busy, there was too much at stake, the deadlines were looming and who needs sleep, anyway?

With age, distance and a lot of practising (and also a lot of failing), I have learnt I am never too busy to stop. In fact if I find myself verbalising that I am too busy for blank, then that it's a trigger for me to stop and have a time out.

Most times busyness will creep up on me. It can start innocuously enough with two weekends in a row when we are doing something social. Those weekends just happen to fall at the end of a very busy week (who could've predicted it?). To relax after work, we slump on the sofa and binge watch fail videos instead of having quality time to replenish. I could make time to rest by skipping my dance and fitness classes, but I'm not a quitter, so I carry on. All this hustle and bussle, the work stress starts to affect my sleep quality, but instead of skipping the gym now and then and having a lie in, I carry on getting up at stupid a.m. (official time), because again I ain't no quitter. All of a sudden I am spinning more plates than my body can cope with and my attention and my mind are stretched too thinly. I am too little butter for too much bread. So something starts to crack. My diet goes out the window, I forget to call my family at the end of the week, or I stop investing in my relationship, living mindlessly from sun up to sun down. This was the old me. Again and again.

It is so easy to fall down the rabbit hole because it's so gradual and everything has an excuse. And here is the grim thing: this will never be done. There will never come a day when you say you've won and you will never again fall down the rabbit hole. It will always be there, lurking in the shadows and waiting to catch you unaware. So how do you cope? How do you fight back?

You learn to create coping mechanisms to keep you aware and away from a life on auto pilot. I used to think meditation was the magical panacea that would fix all my awareness problems. But if I find that if I have a very regular meditation practice I eventually start to zone out. I stop being as present and the whole exercise becomes counter-productive. So I change it up. Some days I meditate, others I make lists of how I'm feeling, and what I need. Some days I will spend five minutes focusing all my attention on a sense (what can I smell, what memories do those smells invoke, how does the smell make me feel) or an object (scented candles are my favourite for this), or I will quickly list a few things I am grateful for. 

My point is this: you will always be vulnerable to the trap of busyness (blame physics and Newton's first law!), but you can learn to cope. Only you can find what works for you. Once you do, arm yourself with a few of those things, because none of them will work 100% of the time, so you'll need to change it up a bit. You will still fail sometimes. We all do. The struggle will never the truly over. But I promise it will always be worth it.

*Queen

Things I keep in my journal # 2

Here's a few more things I record in my journal:

1. Weekly meals. I'm a big fan of taking leftovers to work, both for me and my boyfriend. So I got into a habit of making a list of what each of us is having for lunch and what we are both having for dinner. This helps me make my shopping list in a flash, and means we don't have to get creative at 5pm after a full work day. To make this work, I have also started putting reminder on my phone for when I need to defrost food, and when we have more leftovers than anticipated, to label and freeze them before they spoil.
2. Weekly goals. Same as the monthly goals feed from the Yearly resolutions list, the weekly goal list imports tasks from the monthly goals, plus it adds everything I expect to accomplish that week. This includes the number of times I want to meditate and exercise, and if I expect to finish a book. I also like to add anything nice that happens that week, like going to the cinema, or going to Ikea, or doing a face mask.
3. Daily goals. By now you can guess what happens here. I usually use two pages to cover the whole week. Every day I make a section for that day and list everything I want to accomplish that day. Meetings, important work tasks, remembering to buy bread or pick up clothes, house chores I want to do, people I want to call, meditate, exercise, etc.
4. Sleep log. Because of my irregular bouts of insomnia I like to track my sleep to spot any patterns. There are highly complicated and complex sleep logs you can get online, personally I find less is more, so I only note down what time I went to bed, what time I got up, and how many hours I slept. 
5. Braindumps. This is what I call my "I just had an idea I need to jot down before I forget" pages. It will be anything, from ideas for posts, to recipes to google, to present ideas.

Thankful Thursday # 31

Morning, everyone! Did you miss me? Well, here is a staple of ours:

1. The ability to laugh at yourself. I know, what an abstract way to start! I'm the type of person who has a lot of mishaps. Situations that once made me feel profoundly embarrassed, but that I have since learnt to laugh about. Just today I managed to accidentally flash my backside to a random guy as I was leaving the showers at the gym, and ten minutes later a wind lifted my dress all the way to my waist as I was crossing the street, thus flashing an old guy. So never underestimate the soul-lifting skill of laughing at yourself and not take life too seriously.
2. Disposable income for spontaneous purchases. I'm not throwing money away (and even if I did, it's my money, so no harm there), but I do enjoy being able to do random things like organise an impromptu hot chocolate buffet at work. That's what I did today; got a really nice chocolate mix, some mini marshmallows and other toppings and now I'm off to email my team to come and treat themselves on me.
3. My boyfriend. Nothing beats the joy of having someone in your corner. Someone who makes you laugh, who knows exactly how to make your knees buckle, who lies next to you on his kindle as you read your book in bed. Someone to free spiders back into the garden with whom you can share your life with.
4. Working from home. Every now and then I like to work from home. I can have a lie in (because there's no commute), I can have a scented candle by me, I can belt musical tunes while I go through my emails, I can work in comfy wear. And I can use the coffee breaks to do five minutes of chores. Also, I can get through my normal workload a lot faster.
5. Butternut squash. Yummy, low calorie vegetable that tastes almost of dessert. What more do you need?
6. Duvet weather. I know I say this a lot, but I lo-ve sleeping under a heavy duvet. To sleep in a cocoon of cosy and have that barrier between your yummy slumber and the rest of the world. Thank you, Autumn!

That Autumn charm

So the second day of Autumn has dawned. Here's some of my favourite things about Autumn:

1. The warm colours. The reds, oranges and yellows as we slowly transition from a period of life and activity to one of rest and slumber.
2. The first days when fresh leaves fall. This is before it rains and they turn to mush. When you still feel them crunching under your feet. When a little childhood voice tells you to run and dive into a pile of them, gravity and dirt be damned.
3. Scented candles. Lighting candles in the Summer feels odd and out of place. Tea lights are fine, but those good, properly scented candles with word like "musk", "spice" or "warm" in the name feel way better used in colder weather.
4. Pumpkin and cinnamon flavoured/scented anything. Don't mind me, I'm just sprinkling cinnamon on everything like it's fairy dust. Yum!
5. Warm beverages. I will drink tea and coffee all year round, but the joy of wrapping my hands around a hot mug is exclusive to colder weather. So while I never stop drinking warm beverages, I feel I savour them in Autumn/Winter.
6. Indoor plans. As the weather turns and the temperature drops more and more time is spent inside. Where there's books and films and games.
7. Bonfire night and Hallowe'en. I moved to the UK at the end of August, so Bonfire Night and Hallowe'en were my very first seasonal celebrations and thus they hold a special place in my heart. Watching the fireworks by the light of a bonfire as you eat a hot dog - what's not to love?
8. Long sleeves. Yes! As much as I love warm weather and not wearing a coat outside, I also don't like to have my arms on display. Long sleeves are always a win
9. Soup. Say bye bye to salads and fresh fruit, and hello to warm soup! What better way to get your five a day than with a hearty bowl of carrot cream with a tad of cumin?
10. Watching telly with a blanket. This is what is amiss from Summertime telly; the weight and warmth of a blanket to snuggle under.
11. The first gingerly bite of cold when you go outside. No, I don't like feeling cold. But I like feeling a small chill in anticipation for how cosy it feels to be inside. This is something I learned from my boyfriend; feeling cold at least once a day to help you regulate your own temperature. Though I do it mostly to further expand the joy of being warm in a few minutes.
12. Hand cream. I tend to forget to use hand cream in the Summer, because it's not like my hands get chapped or need special care. So I forget how nice it feels to smell the most luscious scents just from your hands.  This year I am particularly in love with Bodyshop's seasonal vanilla pumpkin hand cream. What a dream!

Save Autumn!

Around this time each year I start getting really excited about Autumn. There are many reasons for this, which I shall voice in a separate post.

I feel sorry for Autumn. It is the underdog of seasons. Nowadays we barely experience Autumn. We extend Summer for as long as possible, and the moment that illusion is no longer possible, we jump on the Christmas bandwagon. I know a good chunk of this is due to capitalism (Hallowe'en is not nearly as profitable as Christmas), but it still surprises me that people fall for it. And this is something that makes me really upset.

The reason I am such a huge advocate for Autumn is not because it is my favourite season (which it isn't), but because it is the underdog of seasons and it seriously needs defending. Save Autumn! It is a valid season with many, many good things.

Most people (my boyfriend included) don't get this. They ask me how could I possible yearn for the cold and the rain, and the lack of light. And true, I don't particularly enjoy any of those things. But that doesn't mean the season is without wonder and beauty.

The way I see it, people go straight from Summer to Christmas, and then straight to wishing it's Spring again, just so it can be Summer soon! We don't enjoy the seasons to their fullest, and then we wonder why times slips through our fingers!

So in an effort to stop this, I am fighting the trend by finding joy in every season. And trust me, it's not a hard task at all.

I love Autumn, when you can wear long sleeves again, cinnamon and pumpkin scented/flavoured stuff everywhere, when you start craving hot drinks and sleep snug under a proper duvet. When you celebrate Hallowe'en and Bonfire Night.

I love Winter, with all the Christmas joy, snow, snuggling under a blanket, having hot apple cider and hearty food. Shepherd's pie with rosemary on top, lamb with mint jelly, crumbles, warm mince pies. And then the New Year, with its clean slate, new year new you stuff.

I love Spring, when everything blossoms to life again, days get longer, you Spring clean and declutter and you get more and more outdoors time. Picnics, walks and fresher food.

I love Summer, with its barbecues, cocktails and long and warm days. I like leaving the house without a coat, having Pimms on a Sunday, going to the beach and swimming in the sea.

And back to Autumn again.

Isn't this nice? Isn't this better?

This year, let's give Autumn a chance!

Thankful Thursday # 30

It is another rainy Thursday. Here we go:

1. My boyfriend. He is currently facing a new challenge and it is so wonderful witnessing him blossom and thrive. I am a lucky gal.
2. My packed lunch. I am very happy that I don't have to leave the office today in search for food, with all the rain falling.
3. Proper rain. I don't like that really light, airborne, gets-everywhere rain that you barely feel falling on you. If it's going to rain, then let it rain. I like unapologetic rain you can hear falling, rain that you feel bouncing off your umbrella, that gets you wet without deceit.
4. Books. Whereas 2017 was a year of films, 2018 has been a year of books. In case the sidebar didn't make that obvious enough!
5. Spotify. More than just having so much music a few swipes away, it brings Portuguese music closer. Before Spotify I would need to wait until my next trip home to buy any new music. Now, I can listen to it whenever I want. Win.
6. Autumn approaching. This is a post in an of itself, but suffice it to say for now that I am excited about the new season.
7. Work friends. In my current role I try to balance having lunches on my own, where I can read and meditate, with lunches with friends. Having lunch out with friends is great, you discover new places, you have a few laughs, you socialise for an hour, you get back to work feeling so refreshed and happy. I am blessed with several people like this to share my breaks with.

The parent and the child

I had a bad night yesterday, full of nightmares and restless sleep. So today I feel very, very small. Add to that a rainy morning and all I want is to curl up in bed and hug a teddy. Because I felt like this a lot when I was a kid, it's making me feel child-like. So today I am doing the opposite. Sort of.

There is a balance to be struck here, which turns out is one of the toughest things to achieve (at least for me). I want to move on, to shake this and go back to the typical adult that I am. However I don't want to ignore this, to bury it deep to fester. Because that's what always happens with unprocessed feelings. They fester. And even if they didn't, I think it's good practice to file them away how we want them, not in their raw, untamed state.

I have feelings that must be acknowledged and cared for. It is okay to feel bad. It's okay to be scared, even if the source of it is all in your head (isn't that the case most times, anyway?). The way I found most helpful to deal with this is to visualise separating myself into the child (the id, the emotional side of me, my irrational feelings and needs) and the parent (the ego, the listener of those feelings and needs). Part of me will speak about how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what I want and need, and the other part of me will listen, acknowledge and come up with a battle plan.

I got the inspiration for this after watching a TED talk from Mel Robbins. She talked about how  no one tells you that after you turn eighteen it is now your job to parent yourself, to make yourself do the things you don't want to do. So why not take it into other directions, like the parent listening to the distressed child? Because deep down we all keep our own inner child throughout our life, and sometimes they get upset. It's only natural.

This has been the sagest advice I ever followed. You know what happens when I don't? I lash out, sometimes directing my distress towards the wrong person. I self-medicate with chocolate and cakes (note the plural), or I numb myself by binge-watching Netflix or keeping too busy in order to distract my attention from my feelings. Or none of these things happens but the hurt is still there. And it will come out, one time or another. And I won't know to connect it to this initial event. I probably won't even remember this anymore.

So I practice awareness and kindness. This is where my semi-regular meditation practice comes to the rescue. If I can identify when I start to feel distress, then I can tend to it. Listen to the child. And come up with a responsible battle plan. Self-soothe with a bath or a cup of tea instead of crap food. Do something special. Write it down. Meet a friend. And tell myself why it is I am doing it. To mend whatever is cracked. To help the child. To help me get back to the adult I am.

Monday bliss

I like Mondays. It saddens me that they get such a bad rep.

The society we live in teaches us that Mondays are dreadful. The weekend is over and it's back to the grind. The rat race. The constant hustle and bustle. Being trapped in soulless workwear with a noose around your neck (that's ties for men) and no pockets (that most women's wear). Getting up early. Work, work, work.

But what if you shifted your perspective and looked at Mondays like teeny-tiny New Years? Because that is what they are. A new beginning. A brand new week. A blank canvas.

On Monday mornings I like to sit for five minutes and think about everything I am going to accomplish that week. I put it on paper to be revisited every morning that week. I put down how many times I intend to meditate, or go to the gym. I scribble big things I have to complete at work. I write down at least something nice for me (like watching a film, or finishing a book), something nice for us (like a couple's massage or some activity together, like baking), something extra for the house (like re-organising a cupboard), and something from my monthly goals list.

Big changes always start small, with a first step. Mondays could be your first step to reinventing yourself. Precisely because they are new and untainted. We do ourselves a huge disservice by starting them with dread and a sense of loss for the weekend.

This is no time to be disheartened; quite the opposite. Seize your week. Start with Monday.

Things I keep in my journal #1

So one of my resolutions for this year was to start a bullet journal. I've seen them around for a while and they all looked so so pretty and practical that I had to have a go! Eight months (and a bit) later and I am more and more enamored by my bullet journal as I was on day one. Here are some of the things I keep in there:

1. Last year's wins. What are my reasons to celebrate the year that has just finished? So often we only look at big achievements, like promotions, new jobs/houses/babies, a new milestone in our relationships, achieving some long-held dream, like running a marathon or passing your driver's test. But I find that if you take the time to really look, you will be amazed at the amount of stuff we conquer every year. From all those big things, to the first time you tried Greek food, or the first time you visited a particular place, or how many books you've read, etc, etc. Let all those things, big and small, inspire you to conquer more and more. To do more and to be more.
2. New year's resolutions. This is a classic. Do I even need to go on?
3. Monthly trackers. Every month I create a tracker page where I track a number of things throughout the month. Every few days I will look at it and colour the days when I achieved whatever it is I am tracking. Among the things I track are: exercise, meditation, bringing lunch to work, eating my five a day, my period, days when I moisturise my face before bed, doing 15 minute cleaning sprints around the house. This feels incredibly rewarding and can be extremely motivating (there are days when I only bother with moisturiser because I am on a streak, or because I want to add more colour to the tracker).
4. Monthly goals. Every month I list things I want to accomplish over the next thirty days. This is where new year's resolutions truly come alive, because I revisit them and vow to achieve at least one every month (where applicable). You can even add big things that happen that month that aren't exactly achievements, like a theatre outing, or a wedding you're going to.
5. Monthly wins. Same as with last years win, I like to look back at what I set out to do, celebrate those items I completed, and observe all the good things that happened that month. The big issue with new year's resolutions is that you seldom ever revisit them. So you forget. This is a way to keep your dreams present and make you accountable to making them come true.

Thankful Thursday # 29

This one is a staple of this blog and needs no introduction, so here we go:

1. My boyfriend. The family I chose to share my life with. My support and my inspiration, my comic relief when things go pear-shaped. My player two for life.
2. The end of Summer. I am a huge supporter of Autumn, so even though I will miss the warmth and the sunshine, I am starting to long for Autumn with all its delights.
3. Duvet weather. I like a heavy bed. I like how comforting it feels to sleep under a nice heavy duvet, all burrowed and comfy, so my sleep in Summer is never as decent as the colder seasons.
4. Books. Enough said.
5. Morning sunshine. I have developed a habit of sitting by a window at work before I start my day, people watching, meditating and listening to music. It is a great way to settle and prepare for a busy day, which is made so much better when it's nice and sunny.
6. Sheets drying outside. I can't explain why, but I just find the sight of sheets hanging outside, being blown by the gentle breeze, so soothing. The domesticity of it just brings me inner peace and spurs the love I have for our home.
7. My new bento box. I am so glad I invested in a nice (and pretty) bento box! I find that if my lunch is in cute container with all its little inserts to keep food separate, I am much more likely to bring food to the office, and make it healthier (because I will literally add vegetables for the main purpose of making it more colourful).

On drifting, insomnia and cake

It is easy to drift away, especially when you feel tired. When you are under-slept, or stressed, or when you have too many things demanding your attention. In times like these it is hard to focus, to stay away from that cake (notice I didn't even bother with the word slice), to still your mind and to even understand what it is that you need.

I once came across this Zen proverb that says that you should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day - unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour. And this feels wrong and counter-intuitive, but such is the nature of life. Or rather, the society we created makes this look counter-intuitive because it goes against the rat race mentality. This rush, rush, rush to get everything done, to have more, to be more, to showcase an unblemished life where we are always strong and level-headed.

I suffer from bouts of insomnia. I will sleep like a baby for weeks, and then have a really terrible night, which can turn into a poorly slept week, until my body finally tires itself out and finds balance once again.

I am going through one such bout right now. So all I want to be left alone to read my book with a dragon portion of cookies. In my current state I don't really care about being sensible, and that's okay. I don't want to meditate, I can't focus for more than thirty seconds at a time and screw body scanning!

All my life I wanted to be strong and faultless. Which is to say I did not want to be perceived as ignorant and weak. But if the last few years have taught me anything is that it is pointless to fight having flaws. You will falter and you will lose your way at times; that's normal and to be expected. No one can be strong all the time; everything in nature goes through peaks and troughs, so it would be unnatural to expect humanity to be anything different than the wonderful (albeit infuriating) roller coaster we are. So wish not for the strength to withstand all storms, but rather wish for the wisdom and awareness to understand there is a storm.

At the end of the day all I really need is to accept I am not at my best and self-nurture. It would be pointless to force myself to meditate, but on days like today I am aware meditation-like stuff is medicinal and could save me a world of trouble. So I lovingly take care of myself as I would a sick loved one. I am patient because my mind can only do so much. I celebrate everything I do right, because everything is a small conquest. I do less, so much less. Less talking, less interacting with others, less distractions, less food (because in my state it would certainly be the wrong kind of food), less overthinking, less commitments.

...

I re-read the first few sentences of this point and this is not where I wanted to take this post. Which perfectly illustrates my point. I understand my mind is a bit of jumble of things today. I accept, understand and love the mess. I will make sure the world is safe from it. And I will sit tightly to avoid that cake.

The quest for zen

For a few years now I have dabbed in meditation. This was on the back of several studies I came across, all proving that a short but regular meditation practice helps you to rewire your brain and develop the amount of grey matter you have. It has proven to be particularly helpful for victims of childhood trauma who suffer from excessive neural pruning. At this point I must say that I am not minimally qualified to discuss the medical benefits of meditation, so if you want to find out more, I would highly advise you to look it up.

Anyway, about three years ago I downloaded the Headspace app, and off I went. The Headspace app offers a series of different packs on a variety of subjects to help you bring mindfulness into all areas of your life. I did the foundation pack and then started on packs on happiness, acceptance, and others. At first I struggled to concentrate; all these new concepts were a complete novelty. With time I found it got considerably easier to focus on my breath or the sounds around me, or even how my body felt. It was peaceful and I left feeling replenished. I felt settled, like a pond that finally quietens after a pebble was thrown in and the ripples have finally stopped growing.

Which brings me to now. Now I feel like an impostor. Eight times out of ten I spend most of my meditation session thinking about work or my grocery list. It's like my mind doesn't take it seriously anymore and just bypasses it completely. I know why it's important. I know how much better I'll feel once I open my eyes again. I just find it hard to stay focused. And the more I am aware of this, the more I struggle.

So I found ways around it. I pick a song, put my headphones in, and keep my eyes and my mind clear from start to finish. I focus on the song, on the words and the melody.

I sit cross legged in front of the mirror and I look at my body. The eyes that allow me to see the world. The feet and legs that allow my to move. The arms that carry so much, the hands that intertwine with another set of hands, that type and hold a fork from plate to mouth. The nose where I see my mother's family.

I pick an object in my life and give thanks to the thousands of people between me and that item. Think I am exaggerating? Let's make the exercise with a mug of coffee then! Someone had to grow and care for the coffee plant. Someone had to harvest it and ground the beans. Someone had to package it and sell it. People had to design and produce the package it comes in. It had to be imported, then stored in a warehouse, driven to a supermarket, put on the system and later on a shelf. Now do the same with the mug. And the kettle where you boil the water to make it. Before you notice it, your life as you know it relies on millions and millions of other people. And all this time you were thinking backwards on the human effort behind a simple mug of coffee you haven't been obsessing over your life. Job done!

I am sure I could carry on, but you get the gist.

I still want to incorporate meditation in the traditional sense into my life. And forgive myself for not being perfect at it. For having days (months!) when I downright suck at it. After all there is a reason why they call it a practice.

Back again

So here I am again, almost a year since my last post.

I know I have always been a fickle blogger, and quite frankly I am okay with that. This is a space I created mostly for me. If anyone chooses to read these posts (if they happen to like them), then great! If not, then I'm comfortable with what I have.

This year I decided to be more focused and organised. Enter bullet journaling! If you don't know what it is, then go out and read all about it; it's awesome! Imagine having a notebook to keep your whole life organised. It's a diary, a journal, a planner, a list space, a drawing notebook, all rolled into one. Plus you get to personalise it as much as you want and make it pretty!

I had high hopes for this because it meant I could just write anytime, anywhere. Here is where I went wrong: as romantic as it is, I don't actually like my handwriting, and I find my handwriting speed infuriatingly slow. I much rather go through the bother of turning my laptop and only writing a few times a week (and I'm being grossly optimistic here!), than facing an empty page, only to see it (ever so) slowly being filled with an untidy handwritten text.

So that leads me to here and now.

I am hopelessly in love with bullet journaling, I just won't be using it for texts where I would - plain and simple - rather type.

So here's to what is left of 2018. Let's make it awesome!