Thankful Thursday # 26

Morning all! I know it's early, but today is a big day for me. Today I find out whether I got a job I'm completely mad about. Today I'm keeping all fingers and toes crossed in the hopes of receiving a great joy. But just in case it's bad news I decided to do this early to help me keep that silver lining in sight. Always.

Here we go!

1. Feeling sore. After a three week hiatus I decided to return to the gym. Because I knew I wasn't going to push myself properly I hired a personal trainer to do it for me. So 45 minutes of strain later, it's the morning after and I feel so so sore. Why am I grateful? Because if there's anything that keeps me on track with my diet is the thought that any excess food will be destroying what I did in the gym and all this pain will have been for nothing.
2. Books. I am thankful that I have a bountiful surplus of books around the house. It fills me with gratefulness that I will never want for a read.
3. My boyfriend. I know these past seven weeks haven't been easy, what with all the time and attention I had to dedicate to the job applications, but through it all my amazing boyfriend was always there. Available to listen, offering me a cup of tea or a massage, never troubling me with his own problems. I don't doubt that this has been a great challenge for him too. I am so grateful to have him in my life and I will now be turning my eyes to how I can repay him.
4. How much I've learned throughout this process. I am so so proud of myself that I got this far. When I first read the questions on the job application I thought to myself: "There's no point applying for this, I won't even get shortlisted." And yet here I am! I got shortlisted, I went on to the interview and scored so high an evenly with candidates that do this for a living that they had to arrange for a second set of interviews. I fought back, and I persevered. I have found a strength and a resourcefulness that I think would make me the perfect candidate not just for this job, but any job I set my eyes on.
5. My team. I couldn't have done this without them too. The members of my team have supported me so so much. They motivated me at times when I started to doubt myself, they helped me with interview tips on body language and how to be engaging. They helped me tweak my examples and make sure what I was bringing to the interview was as perfect as possible. They comforted me whenever I started to freak out, they've wished me the best of luck, they've kept their fingers crossed for me. Whatever happens today, I'm grateful for all the goodness they've shown me.
6. Donald Trump. Yes, you read that right. The words Donald Trump are now one of my daily mantras. Because if Trump can become the president of America without any qualifications for the job, then surely I can achieve whatever I damn want!

Thankful Thursday #25

This has been a very intense couple of weeks, but it is that time of the week, so here we go again!

1. Someone you love to come home to
2. A hot shower after work
3. Jumping into your pajamas after said hot shower
4. Cuddling while you listen to the rain falling outside
5. A steaming hot cup of chai tea
6. The new John Lewis Christmas advert
7. Homemade fajitas for lunch
8. Youtube - my favourite tool to get crash courses on things I need for work!
9. Autumn-y craft projects!
10. A warm and comfy bed

Ode to Autumn

Every year that goes by I fall deeper and deeper in love with Autumn. It is definitely an under appreciated season. It seems that we are more than happy to welcome Spring with it's sunnier days and cleaning sprees, we adore Summer with its warm weather and barbecues, we love Winter with Christmas and the promise of a brand new and happier year. Autumn is when we groan about the colder days, the rain, mourning the end of Summer and longing for Christmas. But Autumn has so so much wonder to offer. Here's what I love about Autumn:

1. How pretty the trees look all dressed in varying tones of yellow and red.
2. The satisfying crunch of stepping on freshly fallen leaves.
3. Jumping on puddles. Is this not why wellies were invented?
4. The colder days that makes outside feel brisk and indoors so cosy.
5. Long sleeves. There is an inexplicable satisfaction in tugging at your long sleeves as the weather gets colder.
6. Scented candles. I love how cosy a simple scented candle can make a room (particularly sandalwood scented ones), which brings me to the next topic...
7. Hot baths. One of my favourite ways to unwind after a long workday. Get warm and cosy and just chill with a candle and an Autumn playlist.
8. Bonfire night. It's one of my very first memories of when I moved to the UK, going over to the fireworks display, all wrapped up in my coat, scarf and gloves, eating hot dogs and listening to cheesy music while we wait. 
9. Going tea crazy. Peppermint, chai, spiced apple, have your pick! It is one of the easiest ways for me to practice thankfulness, to simply wrap my hands around a hot cuppa and savour the smell, the steam dancing above the mug, the hot comfort and taste of the tea.
10. Sleeping under a heavier duvet. I like to burrow when I sleep. I'm a self-professed burrito sleeper, and I make no apologies. And it's so much yummier to do snuggle under a heavy duvet than with a feather-light summer duvet.
11. Hearty food season! Proper roasts, heart-warming soups, apple crumble with custard, stuffed butternut squash, roasted veg - yum!
12. Crafts season! Get your needles and your yarn ready! It is such a simple pleasure to see something created out of nothing; there is a little bit of wool at the end of your needle, and suddenly it's a two metre scarf!
13. Hallowe'en. I like the idea of Hallowe'en, even though I've never partaken in it much, if I'm being honest. I like the sweets, the films, the dressing up, the excuse to celebrate.
14. Stay in plans. Movie nights, game nights, reading marathons, or simply chatting and snuggling up. In a word: perfection!

I could go on, but I choose to stop boring you now. Also my chai is going cold.

Thankful Thursday #24

It's been a while since I've done one of these. In fairness, it's been a while since I've written anything here, period. I've been monstruously busy, but I'm hoping I can muster this in 5 minutes. Here we go!

1. My boyfriend. He is the most amazing man and has been so incredibly supportive of me in the past few weeks (as always). I wouldn't have been able to achieve as much as I have without him cheering me on and offering me a cup of tea at the right moment (which is always).
2. My job. It's the busiest time of year for us, but I still enjoy showing up for work every day.
3. Having frames on the walls. Yes! Our home is taking shape!
4. Mint tea. Hot or cold, mint tea is always the way!
5. Scrapbooking. It helps me unwind after a busy day and it allows me to get rid of all the magazines I've hoarded for years for the sake of a handful of recipes.
6. Running outside. While I still can, morning runs on the weekend are a thing of bliss.
7. Autumn. The falling leaves, the comfort of long sleeves, the pleasure of a hot cuppa.
8. Our bed. It is one of the purest forms of gratitude I know, the being thankful for a warm comfy bed after a long day. 

Happiness up for grabs

In the world we live in there are wars. There are countries that suffer from poverty, famine and disease. There are poor. There are natural catastrophes that obliterate people's lives in a matter of seconds.

Luckily for the most of us that is not the case. We are blessed with the mundane. The day to day routine. For us happiness is up for grabs, if we only know where to look for it.

Searching for happiness is like working out a muscle. The more you do it, the easier it becomes and the more the habit sustains itself. It starts with the small. Enough little things can make or break a day.

So start noticing the good. Make a list of it, even.

Watching the sun rise. Getting a seat in the morning bus. Listening to your favourite song on the way to work. Resisting the smell of freshly baked croissants on your way to work. Someone holding the door for you. Finding an unexpected fiver in your pocket. The sound of rain when you're indoors. The sound of rain when you're outdoors. Getting a compliment. Giving a compliment. Catching up with an old friend or acquaintance. Starting a new bottle of shower gel with a different scent. Seeing the sun set. Falling asleep in a warm, comfy bed.

Our lives are filled with blessings, if only we bother to look around and see them. There is love in the air. Literally. You can breathe it in. Believe there are good things out there for you and you will start to see them. I'll give you an example, just keep reading.

I work in an office where there is seldom a shortage of chocolate and sweets. One lunchtime I was finding it particularly hard to ignore them and stick to my diet. So I decided to avoid temptation by spending the remainder of my lunch break outside. I leave the office to discover it's a lovely warm sunny day, I got a chilled Americano coffee (less than 20kcals!) at Starbucks with a discount I didn't know I was entitled to, and I spent my time soaking up the sunshine while listening to a street performer play some of my favourite songs.

Get what I mean? Go out, open your eyes, see the joy around you. Marvel in the million small blessings that make up your daily life. There is joy and excitement in your mundane existence. You just need to open your heart to it.

The art of departure

Even to the well seasoned traveller, leaving is hard.

Yesterday I came back from a two week holiday in Portugal. I have been doing this for five years now, and even though I got really good at it, on some level it's always hard. Because I care. Because regardless of how much I love my new life, I also love what I'm leaving behind. The people, the places, the weather, the food, the people, the people, the people.

So how do I do it?

The secret of a good, clean departure starts with a good arrival. Plan what you want to do, make a list of everything thing you want to do, people to see, places to revisit, food to savour, activities to do. Then have a good look at it and accept that life will get in the way, some things will not get crossed, others will happen. Go with it. The secret of a good departure starts with making the most of your time so you can leave with no regrets.

But how do you leave? This is what works for me.

I focus on the task at hand instead of the act of leaving. I emotionally cut myself free of the place where I am physically and begin focussing on getting back to where my life is. Packing the hold luggage. Then the cabin luggage. Then I set my alarm and plan how to get to the airport. Then doing the check in. Passing security, getting food and drink. Finding my gate. I go as far as I can until I have to stop, I don't stay idle and before I notice it I'm sitting down and the plane is taking off.

In my mind the flight itself is no man's land. It's a peaceful sort of limbo that allows me to cherish the memories I bring with me, lets me grieve and process and then look ahead to what I have to look forward to. In a book I read recently one of the characters said something like I will not let myself be sad about the past because that will steal me time and energy that I will need to make myself a brighter future. I'm grossly paraphrasing, but that was the gist of it, I swear.

The secret of a happy departure is how bright you make your current surroundings when you arrive. Enjoy the sunny/rainy/cloudy/bright/dark skies, the temperature, the familiar places, the food and flavours, the people you are returning to. Remember that famous Edith Piaf song that tells you to look at life though rose-tinted glasses? La vie en rose it was called. Do that! See the silver lining in everything. It might be hard at first, but I promise that it's like any other muscle; once you get the hang of it it gets better, fun even!

The secret of a successful departure is to get started on new projects. I like to make a list during the flight. I look at coming back like a sort of new years; look at my life, make resolutions, get my planning done, get ready to make it a reality.

I've been back for only twenty four hours and all I can feel is the happiness of my surroundings, the smell of freshly fallen rain, the stunning red sunset, the warmth of my boyfriend's hands. All I can think of is the new projects I want to start, from buying new curtains to getting my upper body muscles ready to go climbing again, to keep on dieting until I get into my new blue dress in time for the Christmas party!

Even to the well seasoned traveller, leaving is hard. But it only gets as hard as you let it be.

Love measured in linen

My grandmother lived in a time when it was customary for parents to put together a trousseau (I believe I'm using that word right) for when their daughter got married. This would be mostly linen; bed linen, table linen, bathroom linen. 

My grandmother lived a life of limited means. Both her pension and my grandfather's were ridiculously small (as a lot of pensions in Portugal are) and yet she still managed to put food on the table, pay the bills and save a little for a rainy day. I remember that for years she used to save all the €1 coins in a biscuit tin and when the tin was full she would go out and buy the best her money could buy for my trousseau. Your mother isn't here to do it, so I'll do it for her, she would say.

My grandmother passed away six years ago. She had my trousseau moved before she died, so I never came into contact with it until a year ago when I decided to clear some cupboards at my dad's.

And then it hit me. The full scale of it. There were dozens and dozens of bed linen sets, most of them embroided by hand. There were tablecloths made of the finest handwoven linen and dozens of bathroom linen sets, some embroided with my initials. Let's not even talk about the small stuff like tea towels! All of it put together would be more than enough to furnish a medium sized hotel. No word of a joke there.

I wonder how many times that biscuit tin had to be filled over how many years in order for me to have all that treasure. Because it is a treasure. It's a small fortune made of cloth.

I couldn't possibly keep everything. There was too much of it, I live abroad, and I would never use some of the stuff she bought after so much sacrifice. I felt bad for letting it go to waste in a dark cupboard, so I donated it to people who she knew took good care of me in my formative years and who would cherish those expensive items. I would've certainly burnt a hole in one of the finest tablecloths the moment I tried to iron it, so you see my point.

As I sorted through everything I felt a wave of unspoken love wash over me. Every single item had been carefully selected and paid for after so much sacrifice. That bathroom linen set meant she could've spent more on her grocery shopping that month. Each tea towel meant a walk that could've been the bus fare instead. Some items were by themselves enough to pay for a short holiday. 

Even though most of them weren't my cup of tea I loved and cherished every single thing for the love they spoke of. The love she professed for years and that I never bothered to listen to was there, punching me in the face. It could not - it would not - be ignored. And for all of it I'm thankful.

Thankful Thursday #23

I can't believe it's that time of the week already (this is partly because I'm on holiday, so it's a miracle I remember what day of the week it is). Here we go:

1. Being on holiday. This one is a no brainer! Yes, I still get up shockingly early, but there's no alarm clock and I do it by choice/habit, and therein lies a world of difference!
2. Wearing a bikini. It's been years since I wore one, but this year, even though I'm not even half done with my weight loss program, I decided to treat myself to a bikini. Oddly enough, instead of making me feel self conscious, the sight of stomach in the sunshine has pushed me to stay clear of the constant temptations, so win!
3. Being able to nap. I find it amusing that we spend the first quarter of our lives wanting to grow up, and the rest of it discovering childhood pleasures we seldom get to enjoy now that we're adults. Like napping. There is untold joy in being able to take a cheeky nap when you're on holiday.
4. Giving up chocolate for two months. Definitely the best decision to make before the holidays, as this has made my resolve to not gain any holiday weight that much stronger. 
5. Meditation. When you live abroad and then come back to your native country on holiday life can be very confusing. It's that feeling of finally coming home to a place that isn't home anymore. So even though I don't always feel like it, I force myself to sit down everyday and meditate for a bit, because it helps me find my centre and clear my focus.
6. Grilled fish. No need to elaborate.
7. My boyfriend. Through our entire relationship my boyfriend has always supported me, even in times when I wasn't able to make the most of that support. Now that I feel stronger and more focused his support has been priceless. I am determined to chance my life, to grown, to gain new skills and let go of memories and behaviours that no longer suit me and the lifestyle I hope to have. And it's great that I don't have to do this alone.

An ode to English Summers

Let me just say that for a non-native English Summers are an acquired taste.

I come from a country where Summer means a good few months of in-your-face bright blue skies, scorching temperatures and sunny days. You can easily plan a beach outing because in all likelihood the weather will be gorgeous whenever it is you are planning to go.

Now the weather in the UK is far from reliable. Light years away! And you won't get nearly as many sunny or properly hot days as you'd like. It's very likely that despite promises of a fair weather it will rain on your barbecue. And even if it's warm enough to leave the house in short sleeves, by the time you get to your destination you might wish you'd brought an extra layer or an umbrella. Music festivals mean mud, mud and more mud. There will be days, sometimes weeks where you won't see the sun. Some days you might be tempted to dig out a blanket to keep you cosy while you're watching telly.

Nonetheless I've grown to love Summer in the UK. Here's why:

1. It's almost never too hot to sleep with a duvet. Now I hate that feeling of sleeping without covers. Alfresco is simply not for me. When it comes to sleep I like to burrow into a nest of cosiness.
2. The odd properly rainy day is a great opportunity to have a lazy day in, or to enjoy a walk in the rain without all the cumbersome wintry layers of clothing.
3. It's cool enough for most crafts projects. Want to make sock puppets - go ahead! Feel that need to crochet a wooly blanket - be my guest! The weather is rarely too warm to handle fabrics and warm materials, so keep your needles close!
4. Cuddles. Because the weather is seldom really hot, you can carry on with your cuddling and hugging without feeling clammy all the time.
5. Pimms. I love Summer cocktails, but most of all I love a cheeky Pimms on a Sunday lunch!
6. The fact that the weather changes so quickly and so drastically makes you really appreciate the sunny days even more. Every sun ray is a gift and I've learned to enjoy it to the fullest.
7. The variety in weather is refreshing, even if it means being deprived from sunshine for several days in a row. You learn to enjoy other aspects of less favourable weather.
8. The eternal promise of a barbecue (and occasionally the real barbecue). Is it going to happen or will it literally rain on your parade? Even if it doesn't happen, the antecipation is half the fun. And if it all fails you and your friends can always end up in a pub having amazing food and a jug Pimms!
9. It's never too hot for coffee or tea. Enough said on this!
10. You learn that it's just weather. So what if you get wet? So what if it's a tad chilly for a bit? Are you really going to let a silly thing like a bit of rain keep you from going outside and explore your surroundings? Does it really matter what the sky looks like when you can be trekking the countryside and taking gorgeous pictures of all your adventures? 

Thankful Thursday # 22

I've learned to love Thrusday, and I have this seemingly whimsical challenge to thank for. So without further ado, here we go again!

1. My boyfriend. His holiday away showed me that my home isn't so much a place, but a person. I am so magnificiently lucky to have him in my life that I can't help but smile and hope I can show him the best of myself in return.
2. Crafts projects. There is something incredibly soothing in losing yourself in a project. In letting your fingers do their work with the needles and see something come of it. I use crafts as a way to help me keep my mind still. To practice mindfulness. Or to make the most of a slow-paced film or documentary.
3. Mild Summers. I've learned to enjoy English Summers by focusing on the small blessings that came with them. Mostly I enjoy temperatures that are cool enough to knit, to sleep with a light duvet, to keep your arms covered with a light cardigan. And a cheeky glass of Pimms on a Sunday lunch!
4. Not worrying about money. I'm not going to say I wouldn't love a fattier payslip, but I take great pleasure in the fact that I rarely count the days until payday and that I never seem to worry too much about my finances. I does help that I can get easily excited with cheap things, like a new brand of tea.
5. My tattoo. I love, love, love coming out of the shower every morning just so I can take a look at my left shoulder blade. I am counting the days until my beach holiday so I can display it proudly! Which in turn helps me keep my diet going when all I want is to nap after a nice big scoop of ice cream.
6. Finishing a workout. It fills me with pride every time I manage to finish a workout without cheating or cutting corners. It takes some persuasion, especially so early in the morning, but every time I finish strong I feel monumentally empowered. And that's why I do it. Because I know that once it's done there isn't a freshly baked croissant on my commute that's stronger than me.
7. Co-workers who lend you the shoes off their feet. I had a bit of a funny situation at work this week. In my morning hustle and bustle I forgot my work shoes at home and was left to face a day at the office in my bright pink trainers. Which is when I realised that I had a very important meeting that day. Luckily a colleague lent me her shoes for an hour so I could go to the meeting without looking like a lunatic.

The fun times of being temporarily single

My boyfriend and I do our holidays apart. To most people this sounds weird, but trust me, if you both have family abroad (even if both families live in the same city) this starts to make sense for a number of reasons. When I go on "holiday" (and time at home is never the same as a holiday abroad to a new country) I never get much rest. It's a constant pilgrimage of going from relative to relative and trying to catch up with old friends. So imagine this with both my family/friends and his in the mix.

Anyway, he's been away for a few days and people around me seem to want to pat me on the back because they believe I am lonely. But that's not the way I see it. I see this as an opportunity to have fun and to enjoy the little things I don't get to do when he's around.

Yes, I love my boyfriend deeply and I can't wait for him to come back, but hey!, let's be honest here; there's loads of things you don't get to do much when you share your space with someone else. Here's a few:

1. Singing in the shower in the morning (he's still asleep when I get up, so lots of noise would be a no no)
2. Watching films your other half wouldn't be caught dead watching. I watch rom-coms not so much because I really enjoy them, but mostly because I can!
3. Sleeping like a starfish. Seriously, having the bed all to myself is bliss!
4. Leaving your yarn everywhere. My living room looks like my gran moved in and decided to knit like there's no tomorrow. I make no apologies.
5. Less washing up to do.
6. Organising your time off however you want it and being able to change your mind at a moment's notice without it impacting anyone else.
7. Deciding what to want to wear that same day. Because I get up earlier than my better half I always leave my clothes ready the day before, so I'm enjoying the total freedom of not having another human being in the bedroom when I get up.
8. Planning your meals exactly to your specifications.
9. Making the bed in less than 10 seconds.
10. Not feeling guilty for being caught in a book for longer than you should. The new Harry Potter book came out a few days ago, I would be disappointed with myself if I managed to control myself...

The world awaits outside

The world is a playground. You know that when you're a kid, but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it.

That is from the Jim Carrey film Yes Man. And it got me thinking.

I wonder if this is true of me. Was there ever a time in my life when I thought the word was a playground? Something fun and exciting and not a sequence of death traps?

I don't think so. I think due to my childhood experiences I've always seen the world as a scary place, and so I closed myself to it. I put up walls and shut people out, even though I was desperate for attention and affection. I sat in my corner, very still, with books and films and dolls for company and I led a sheltered life, not because I was spoiled, but because I couldn't be persuaded to leave my comfort zone.

So what I'm doing now is not really a rediscovery of the good old thrilling times.

It's a brand new discovery.

A whole new world.

A series of wonderful adventures waiting to be lived.

And for once I'm not staying inside.

Tomato or no tomato, that is the question

Usually when write here and I present a problem I have its solution lined up and ready to jump onto a new paragraph, so this is a bit of an unusual post for me.

Last Summer I was on a diet when I went back home. In my endless pilgrimage to all my relatives and selected friends, I called on an elderly cousin for lunch. The day before she'd asked me what I wanted for lunch so I replied I'd love her famous breaded chicken fillets. 'What with? Chips or rice?', she asked again. And so I said I wanted neither, just the chicken and a sliced tomato as a side.

The following day I arrived at her house with a hearty appetite, only to be greeted by a tomatoless table. I found instead that the tomato had been merciless replaced by a big plate of chips placed right in front of my plate for my own convenience and the imminent death of my diet. When I politely asked about the tomato my cousin replied something like 'I heard you said tomato, but I know that deep down you wanted chips, so I made them especially just for you.'

The end of this story is not important, but I'm left pondering what could I have done.

What do you do when you are desperately fighting yourself to keep your diet going and your loved ones decide to sabotage you instead of supporting your decision? And they do this out of love, believing that pleasing you now is somehow better than helping you reach your long term goal. What do you do? Do you say no to the chips and sulk? Do you pick a fight with a relative you only get to see once or twice a year? Or do you eat them out of courtesy even though you didn't ask for them and they're actually bad for you?

I'm trying hard to keep my diet going and I know whatever weight I lose could easily be gained when I'm away on holiday. Heck, my lost weight may even bring friends to stay and make my thighs their new home! So I'm conscious of the traps ahead and I would like to avoid them.

The question is - how do you do it?

How to save a life

Somewhere in my personal journey (it could have been a podcast or a book, I don't really recall) I came across this quote from a fairly recent Matt Damon movie called We bought a Zoo and it goes like this:

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

So I bought the movie (because I'm blessed with the gift of a bit of disposable income) and left it on a shelf until today, a random Saturday afternoon, I found some time to get to watch it. It is a wonderful movie and that quote just completely brought it home to me.

Twenty seconds of insane courage.

That's all there is to it.

And it got me thinking about my life six years ago. Back in 2010 I took a sharp turn straight outside my comfort zone and I dared to say yes. I dared to chase something that for all I knew back then might be all in my head. I said yes and he said yes back. And that's how this - my best - adventure got started.

For the briefest of moments I looked the Universe in the eye (metaphorically speaking, of course) and despite all my fears tugging at the hem of my skirt, begging me to turn around, I said hell yes! And then I just had to follow through. My yes created a door and all I had to do after that was walk through it and carry on wherever it led. 

It is an inspiring thought. All you need is to muster 20 seconds of to-hell-with-it courage and you might end up somewhere completely different.

So tonight, when I seem to have awaken to the mess I created in my own life, this is reassuring. This means that great change is just around the corner. And all I need is to throw myself outside of my comfort zone for 20 seconds. That's less than you can hold your breath for.

So this is now my mantra for when things get scary or tough; I can moan how much and how loud I want, if first I give myself 20 seconds of insane courage.

Because that might just save my life. Again.

Ode to the body

I'm starting a new weight loss program and usually when you start one of those you come from a point of loathing towards what you see in the mirror, right?

This used to be me. I used to dread passing by a mirror and I would dive away when someone attempted to take a picture. I used to look at my reflection before/after a shower and I would scrutinise every single gram of fat visible. And I hated myself. So I ate to drown that hate and misery, which only lead to guilt, which in turn lead to more eating. Not the best place to start, is it?

But now, as I am just starting to embark on a healthier venture, my vision has changed and my perspective has shifted. I don't just see fat, I see a really strong body burried underneath.

I look at my body and I feel a deep sense of pride and amazement.

I have an awesome body.

Yes, it is fat, overweight, unfit, unhealthy and - according to societal standards - unattractive. But look at how much it has overcome! It has been put through an absurd amount of emotional trauma while I have fed it nothing but sugar and processed food for most of its existence. It has been put on a shelf (aka the sofa in front of the tv); it has never been used for play or much movement.

And yet here it is! I am not diabetic nor do I suffer from any major ailment. I am not bed-ridden with my fat dangling from the sides of the bed. I can walk. I can move freely. I can't run much, but I can set a goal and start working toward it right now. I can dance.

And I can choose to be kinder to a body that has done so much with so little.

It took me most of my life to see it this way.

And this is where I choose to start my journey.

Thankful Thursday # 21

Here it is again, my second favourite day of the week (Saturday is my favourite, in case you were wondering)

1. My boyfriend. I am a lucky, lucky woman to have found my soul mate so early in life and to have him by my side after living with me for so long. Very, very lucky.
2. Nice warm weather. No more wearing a coat every day, bright sunny skies, Summer is here!!
3. My tattoo. I decided long ago that for my 30th I would like to get my first tattoo. Last weekend I decided to take the plunge and do it I am over the moon with how great it looks!
4. Removing the second skin protecting my tattoo. So happy I finally got to take it off today!
5. Feel good videos like this one here!
6. So many new places to try. I've been wandering around Birmingham lately and I've discovered so many new restaurants I want to try, it's so exciting!
7. My lunch. Today I decided to pamper myself to lunch in a restaurant outside the office, while a jazz concert was going on right outside. It was a blissful moment in the middle of my workday and it felt like such a treat!
8. Portugal winning the Euro (still on a high on that one!)
9. Feeling the urge to move more. I can't believe how much I've missed the gym (seriously, who am I?)! Now that the tattoo is healing I'm so ready to get back on that rowing machine!

What about you? What are you grateful for today?

What have I been doing with my life?

Looking back at my life, here's what I think I got right so far:

1. My boyfriend. I have the greatest privilege in the world to be able to wake up every morning next to a man who loves me and supports me and my growth as a person. Someone who's always been there for me, who I look up to as the most intelligent, funny and loving person I've ever met. And if I play my cards right, I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

2. My job. I work in a contact centre for an organisation I've grown to love deeply. I love the people I work with, I like the job I do because it's so varied, fast-paced and loud. And because my bosses let me run with my creative side and come up with team-building challenges and whimsical things to boost morale. I may not have the grandest, most exciting job in the world, but I enjoy showing up for work every day and that's no small feat.

3. A house. Four days before I turned 30 we got the keys to our dream house. To say that our house is so very close to perfect is something that fills me with joy and pride. It is our love nest and I can see our whole future, with all its fulfilled dreams, coming true here. Every day when I walk through the entrance door and look around and I realise how lucky I am.

4. A few achievements when it comes to overcoming fear. I am a fearful person. Growing up in the midst of several family crisis and being raised by old people can do that to a person. So I was scared of everything. Everything. And in the past couple of years I've decided I am done with fear and it's time to see the world as an exciting adventure instead of a twisted sequence of death traps. So far I rode a camel through the desert dunes (scared of heights), I've survived an escape room experience (scared of horror movies), I've walked/climbed the Old Man of Storr in the Scotland (heights again), I've forced myself to go on one of many climbing sessions to get rid of my fear of heights and I've just got my first tattoo done (scared of being in pain). And I didn't die. And what's more, it all felt thrilling and joyous!

5. Early rising. I've always been a night owl and have always hated getting up in the morning. And then about a year ago things changed. I decided to finally be honest with myself and admit that I will never - ever! - go to the gym after work. It just won't happen; I'll be too tired, or too grumpy, or I'll have just remembered something I need to pick up on my way home and the store will be closed by the time I leave the gym, so I'll just cut the gym altogether. The stream of excuses is endless. So I realised that the only way I could make it to the gym consistently was if I did it before I did everything else and allowed life to get in the way. And so I just did it. I put my alarm to bonkers early (that's the official time) and was so utterly annoyed at myself when it went off that I thought I might as well make something of it. So I would get up and go to the gym, or meditate, or do something productive before work. And it stuck!


So there you go! I'm not saying my life is a rosy patch, but I'll say it's not completely doom and gloom either. There is a long (long, long, looooooong) road ahead to get me where I want to go, and the only way to get there is to tread it one step at a time. As Bob Marley puts it My feet are my only carriage. It's time to dust off my walking boots then.

The wonderful road awaits!

Thankful Thursday # 20

This is what I love about Thursdays; the safe haven that is doing this exercise! So here's what I am grateful for this week:

1. My boyfriend. The best person in the whole world and I get to wake up next to him everyday. And they say miracles don't happen...
2. Rising early. This is something relatively new. I used to be a night owl and now look at me!
3. The big read and its 175 book benches. It's like the big hoot owls last year. Which means I get to chase them around town, discovering new places and walking my fat off while I take silly selfies with them all.
4. My meditation practice. I started this in an effort to be more mindful, more aware of who I am and my toxic patterns of behaviour. I can't say I'm a totally new person, but I believe this has the potential to help me bring forth the best of me.
5. Watching the sun set from our bedroom window every day.
6. My nook. It's a safe place to think, to meditate and to cocoon while I grow some damn needed wings!
7. My fitbit. Putting the fun into walking. Because literally every little bit helps.
8. Summer and the ghost of bikini future. Because it's time to change my food habits and because deep (deep, deep, deeeeeeeeep) down I do enjoy how my body feels when it's not eating crap. 

On being fearless

I will not live my life out of fear.

Fear is the mind killer*.

Instead I will rise every day with a loving heart and the knowledge that it doesn't matter how much my legs are shaking, I will keep making my way down the path I believe will bring me happiness. At its end there isn't a pot of gold; there is my better self, and that is an infinitely better reward.

It doesn't matter how long the path is, or how unfit I am to tread it. All I need is to carry on my quest for today and trust that tomorrow - whatever it brings - the journey will be slightly smaller and my legs will have grown a bit stronger.

*Frank Herbert, Dune

The time is now, the day is here!*

(I'm not even going to apologise for the humongous hiatus, I'm just going to carry on writing like it's still 2015)

So this year I hit 30. Thirty. The time of my life I've been waiting for my whole life. Throughout my childhood and teen years I've always yearned to be 30. I figured I'd have my life sorted by then, would have decided which career to pursue, would have a loving and solid relationship, maybe a mortgage. Maybe even a kid, of the talk of a kid. Most of all I would have sorted myself. No more body issues or yo-yo diets, farewell to the unresolved trauma and bye bye to the not-so-quirky procrastination lifestyle. 

So I waited for 30. And herein lies my mistake. I didn't prepare or lay the foundations for this magical life, I just waited for it to happen. And when 30 hit there was no letter delivered by owl with my grown up diploma, or even a set of magical instructions to instant and lasting happiness.

But this is not a sob post. 

This is a race against time. I feel I have lost enough time already to squander any more of it on petty reprimands. It's time to learn how to be the person I idolised as a kid. I've cheated myself of time, the least I can do is to actually become that person.

So this is where I start.

Here and now.

To infinity and beyond!

*One day more, Les Miserables