All my life I have been in a love affair with tomorrow. Tomorrow was the magical day when my life would start falling into place. Tomorrow I would start my diet without a single stumble. Tomorrow I would go to the gym and run 10k in one go. Tomorrow I would write that entire essay with great flair and panache. Tomorrow I would tidy up my room. Always tomorrow.
I lived in awe of future me. Future me was awesome. She was the right weight, she got stuff done, she had the right skills, she had conquered her fears and tamed her shortcomings. She was wise, and confident, and funny and people loved her. Future me was a rock star.
What I never realised throughout my formative years, was that all that did was make present me feel even more demoralised. Because future me was everything present me was not. So present me might as well slump in the sofa watching a film while eating cake.
But here is the kicker: present me is so much more of a rock star that future me could ever be. Why? Because future me will always a bit of a poser. She lives on whatever present me achieves. Here is an example from my own experience:
I was never an early riser, but about two years ago I realised that if I wanted to make a true commitment to exercising my body I had to get up early and do it before the rest of my life got in the way. And so I did; I set my alarm clock to stupid a.m. (official time), and when the alarm went off I simply made myself get up. No snooze, no I-wish-I-could-stay-here-for-all-eternity, just motion. To be perfectly honest, most of the energy came from a place of anger at past me, who had set the alarm to stupid a.m., so I figured I might as well do something with it. But I digress.
The first few weeks were brutal. I did not want to do it; I was sleepy, grumpy and it was far too cold outside my bed. But with every day that passed things started to get easier. I was forming a habit. And the thing with habits is that after a while they start sustaining themselves. The neuro pathways for that particular task are strengthened with repetition and it all becomes easier and easier.
So when people tell me today how impressed they are about my morning habit, I feel like it is only a half-deserved compliment. Because I'm not actually doing much. Mostly I am just riding the wave of habit. The gruelling work was done by past (once present) me. So what I enjoy today are the fruits of that hard labour.
And this is truly eye-opening. Future me will always be a bit of an impostor. Present me is the true hero. Because only she can take action. Only she can shape what is to come. And she is too busy rocking her life to slump around eating cake anymore. She has a world of wondrous paths to pave.
