That Autumn charm

So the second day of Autumn has dawned. Here's some of my favourite things about Autumn:

1. The warm colours. The reds, oranges and yellows as we slowly transition from a period of life and activity to one of rest and slumber.
2. The first days when fresh leaves fall. This is before it rains and they turn to mush. When you still feel them crunching under your feet. When a little childhood voice tells you to run and dive into a pile of them, gravity and dirt be damned.
3. Scented candles. Lighting candles in the Summer feels odd and out of place. Tea lights are fine, but those good, properly scented candles with word like "musk", "spice" or "warm" in the name feel way better used in colder weather.
4. Pumpkin and cinnamon flavoured/scented anything. Don't mind me, I'm just sprinkling cinnamon on everything like it's fairy dust. Yum!
5. Warm beverages. I will drink tea and coffee all year round, but the joy of wrapping my hands around a hot mug is exclusive to colder weather. So while I never stop drinking warm beverages, I feel I savour them in Autumn/Winter.
6. Indoor plans. As the weather turns and the temperature drops more and more time is spent inside. Where there's books and films and games.
7. Bonfire night and Hallowe'en. I moved to the UK at the end of August, so Bonfire Night and Hallowe'en were my very first seasonal celebrations and thus they hold a special place in my heart. Watching the fireworks by the light of a bonfire as you eat a hot dog - what's not to love?
8. Long sleeves. Yes! As much as I love warm weather and not wearing a coat outside, I also don't like to have my arms on display. Long sleeves are always a win
9. Soup. Say bye bye to salads and fresh fruit, and hello to warm soup! What better way to get your five a day than with a hearty bowl of carrot cream with a tad of cumin?
10. Watching telly with a blanket. This is what is amiss from Summertime telly; the weight and warmth of a blanket to snuggle under.
11. The first gingerly bite of cold when you go outside. No, I don't like feeling cold. But I like feeling a small chill in anticipation for how cosy it feels to be inside. This is something I learned from my boyfriend; feeling cold at least once a day to help you regulate your own temperature. Though I do it mostly to further expand the joy of being warm in a few minutes.
12. Hand cream. I tend to forget to use hand cream in the Summer, because it's not like my hands get chapped or need special care. So I forget how nice it feels to smell the most luscious scents just from your hands.  This year I am particularly in love with Bodyshop's seasonal vanilla pumpkin hand cream. What a dream!

Save Autumn!

Around this time each year I start getting really excited about Autumn. There are many reasons for this, which I shall voice in a separate post.

I feel sorry for Autumn. It is the underdog of seasons. Nowadays we barely experience Autumn. We extend Summer for as long as possible, and the moment that illusion is no longer possible, we jump on the Christmas bandwagon. I know a good chunk of this is due to capitalism (Hallowe'en is not nearly as profitable as Christmas), but it still surprises me that people fall for it. And this is something that makes me really upset.

The reason I am such a huge advocate for Autumn is not because it is my favourite season (which it isn't), but because it is the underdog of seasons and it seriously needs defending. Save Autumn! It is a valid season with many, many good things.

Most people (my boyfriend included) don't get this. They ask me how could I possible yearn for the cold and the rain, and the lack of light. And true, I don't particularly enjoy any of those things. But that doesn't mean the season is without wonder and beauty.

The way I see it, people go straight from Summer to Christmas, and then straight to wishing it's Spring again, just so it can be Summer soon! We don't enjoy the seasons to their fullest, and then we wonder why times slips through our fingers!

So in an effort to stop this, I am fighting the trend by finding joy in every season. And trust me, it's not a hard task at all.

I love Autumn, when you can wear long sleeves again, cinnamon and pumpkin scented/flavoured stuff everywhere, when you start craving hot drinks and sleep snug under a proper duvet. When you celebrate Hallowe'en and Bonfire Night.

I love Winter, with all the Christmas joy, snow, snuggling under a blanket, having hot apple cider and hearty food. Shepherd's pie with rosemary on top, lamb with mint jelly, crumbles, warm mince pies. And then the New Year, with its clean slate, new year new you stuff.

I love Spring, when everything blossoms to life again, days get longer, you Spring clean and declutter and you get more and more outdoors time. Picnics, walks and fresher food.

I love Summer, with its barbecues, cocktails and long and warm days. I like leaving the house without a coat, having Pimms on a Sunday, going to the beach and swimming in the sea.

And back to Autumn again.

Isn't this nice? Isn't this better?

This year, let's give Autumn a chance!

Thankful Thursday # 30

It is another rainy Thursday. Here we go:

1. My boyfriend. He is currently facing a new challenge and it is so wonderful witnessing him blossom and thrive. I am a lucky gal.
2. My packed lunch. I am very happy that I don't have to leave the office today in search for food, with all the rain falling.
3. Proper rain. I don't like that really light, airborne, gets-everywhere rain that you barely feel falling on you. If it's going to rain, then let it rain. I like unapologetic rain you can hear falling, rain that you feel bouncing off your umbrella, that gets you wet without deceit.
4. Books. Whereas 2017 was a year of films, 2018 has been a year of books. In case the sidebar didn't make that obvious enough!
5. Spotify. More than just having so much music a few swipes away, it brings Portuguese music closer. Before Spotify I would need to wait until my next trip home to buy any new music. Now, I can listen to it whenever I want. Win.
6. Autumn approaching. This is a post in an of itself, but suffice it to say for now that I am excited about the new season.
7. Work friends. In my current role I try to balance having lunches on my own, where I can read and meditate, with lunches with friends. Having lunch out with friends is great, you discover new places, you have a few laughs, you socialise for an hour, you get back to work feeling so refreshed and happy. I am blessed with several people like this to share my breaks with.

The parent and the child

I had a bad night yesterday, full of nightmares and restless sleep. So today I feel very, very small. Add to that a rainy morning and all I want is to curl up in bed and hug a teddy. Because I felt like this a lot when I was a kid, it's making me feel child-like. So today I am doing the opposite. Sort of.

There is a balance to be struck here, which turns out is one of the toughest things to achieve (at least for me). I want to move on, to shake this and go back to the typical adult that I am. However I don't want to ignore this, to bury it deep to fester. Because that's what always happens with unprocessed feelings. They fester. And even if they didn't, I think it's good practice to file them away how we want them, not in their raw, untamed state.

I have feelings that must be acknowledged and cared for. It is okay to feel bad. It's okay to be scared, even if the source of it is all in your head (isn't that the case most times, anyway?). The way I found most helpful to deal with this is to visualise separating myself into the child (the id, the emotional side of me, my irrational feelings and needs) and the parent (the ego, the listener of those feelings and needs). Part of me will speak about how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what I want and need, and the other part of me will listen, acknowledge and come up with a battle plan.

I got the inspiration for this after watching a TED talk from Mel Robbins. She talked about how  no one tells you that after you turn eighteen it is now your job to parent yourself, to make yourself do the things you don't want to do. So why not take it into other directions, like the parent listening to the distressed child? Because deep down we all keep our own inner child throughout our life, and sometimes they get upset. It's only natural.

This has been the sagest advice I ever followed. You know what happens when I don't? I lash out, sometimes directing my distress towards the wrong person. I self-medicate with chocolate and cakes (note the plural), or I numb myself by binge-watching Netflix or keeping too busy in order to distract my attention from my feelings. Or none of these things happens but the hurt is still there. And it will come out, one time or another. And I won't know to connect it to this initial event. I probably won't even remember this anymore.

So I practice awareness and kindness. This is where my semi-regular meditation practice comes to the rescue. If I can identify when I start to feel distress, then I can tend to it. Listen to the child. And come up with a responsible battle plan. Self-soothe with a bath or a cup of tea instead of crap food. Do something special. Write it down. Meet a friend. And tell myself why it is I am doing it. To mend whatever is cracked. To help the child. To help me get back to the adult I am.

Monday bliss

I like Mondays. It saddens me that they get such a bad rep.

The society we live in teaches us that Mondays are dreadful. The weekend is over and it's back to the grind. The rat race. The constant hustle and bustle. Being trapped in soulless workwear with a noose around your neck (that's ties for men) and no pockets (that most women's wear). Getting up early. Work, work, work.

But what if you shifted your perspective and looked at Mondays like teeny-tiny New Years? Because that is what they are. A new beginning. A brand new week. A blank canvas.

On Monday mornings I like to sit for five minutes and think about everything I am going to accomplish that week. I put it on paper to be revisited every morning that week. I put down how many times I intend to meditate, or go to the gym. I scribble big things I have to complete at work. I write down at least something nice for me (like watching a film, or finishing a book), something nice for us (like a couple's massage or some activity together, like baking), something extra for the house (like re-organising a cupboard), and something from my monthly goals list.

Big changes always start small, with a first step. Mondays could be your first step to reinventing yourself. Precisely because they are new and untainted. We do ourselves a huge disservice by starting them with dread and a sense of loss for the weekend.

This is no time to be disheartened; quite the opposite. Seize your week. Start with Monday.

Things I keep in my journal #1

So one of my resolutions for this year was to start a bullet journal. I've seen them around for a while and they all looked so so pretty and practical that I had to have a go! Eight months (and a bit) later and I am more and more enamored by my bullet journal as I was on day one. Here are some of the things I keep in there:

1. Last year's wins. What are my reasons to celebrate the year that has just finished? So often we only look at big achievements, like promotions, new jobs/houses/babies, a new milestone in our relationships, achieving some long-held dream, like running a marathon or passing your driver's test. But I find that if you take the time to really look, you will be amazed at the amount of stuff we conquer every year. From all those big things, to the first time you tried Greek food, or the first time you visited a particular place, or how many books you've read, etc, etc. Let all those things, big and small, inspire you to conquer more and more. To do more and to be more.
2. New year's resolutions. This is a classic. Do I even need to go on?
3. Monthly trackers. Every month I create a tracker page where I track a number of things throughout the month. Every few days I will look at it and colour the days when I achieved whatever it is I am tracking. Among the things I track are: exercise, meditation, bringing lunch to work, eating my five a day, my period, days when I moisturise my face before bed, doing 15 minute cleaning sprints around the house. This feels incredibly rewarding and can be extremely motivating (there are days when I only bother with moisturiser because I am on a streak, or because I want to add more colour to the tracker).
4. Monthly goals. Every month I list things I want to accomplish over the next thirty days. This is where new year's resolutions truly come alive, because I revisit them and vow to achieve at least one every month (where applicable). You can even add big things that happen that month that aren't exactly achievements, like a theatre outing, or a wedding you're going to.
5. Monthly wins. Same as with last years win, I like to look back at what I set out to do, celebrate those items I completed, and observe all the good things that happened that month. The big issue with new year's resolutions is that you seldom ever revisit them. So you forget. This is a way to keep your dreams present and make you accountable to making them come true.

Thankful Thursday # 29

This one is a staple of this blog and needs no introduction, so here we go:

1. My boyfriend. The family I chose to share my life with. My support and my inspiration, my comic relief when things go pear-shaped. My player two for life.
2. The end of Summer. I am a huge supporter of Autumn, so even though I will miss the warmth and the sunshine, I am starting to long for Autumn with all its delights.
3. Duvet weather. I like a heavy bed. I like how comforting it feels to sleep under a nice heavy duvet, all burrowed and comfy, so my sleep in Summer is never as decent as the colder seasons.
4. Books. Enough said.
5. Morning sunshine. I have developed a habit of sitting by a window at work before I start my day, people watching, meditating and listening to music. It is a great way to settle and prepare for a busy day, which is made so much better when it's nice and sunny.
6. Sheets drying outside. I can't explain why, but I just find the sight of sheets hanging outside, being blown by the gentle breeze, so soothing. The domesticity of it just brings me inner peace and spurs the love I have for our home.
7. My new bento box. I am so glad I invested in a nice (and pretty) bento box! I find that if my lunch is in cute container with all its little inserts to keep food separate, I am much more likely to bring food to the office, and make it healthier (because I will literally add vegetables for the main purpose of making it more colourful).

On drifting, insomnia and cake

It is easy to drift away, especially when you feel tired. When you are under-slept, or stressed, or when you have too many things demanding your attention. In times like these it is hard to focus, to stay away from that cake (notice I didn't even bother with the word slice), to still your mind and to even understand what it is that you need.

I once came across this Zen proverb that says that you should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day - unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour. And this feels wrong and counter-intuitive, but such is the nature of life. Or rather, the society we created makes this look counter-intuitive because it goes against the rat race mentality. This rush, rush, rush to get everything done, to have more, to be more, to showcase an unblemished life where we are always strong and level-headed.

I suffer from bouts of insomnia. I will sleep like a baby for weeks, and then have a really terrible night, which can turn into a poorly slept week, until my body finally tires itself out and finds balance once again.

I am going through one such bout right now. So all I want to be left alone to read my book with a dragon portion of cookies. In my current state I don't really care about being sensible, and that's okay. I don't want to meditate, I can't focus for more than thirty seconds at a time and screw body scanning!

All my life I wanted to be strong and faultless. Which is to say I did not want to be perceived as ignorant and weak. But if the last few years have taught me anything is that it is pointless to fight having flaws. You will falter and you will lose your way at times; that's normal and to be expected. No one can be strong all the time; everything in nature goes through peaks and troughs, so it would be unnatural to expect humanity to be anything different than the wonderful (albeit infuriating) roller coaster we are. So wish not for the strength to withstand all storms, but rather wish for the wisdom and awareness to understand there is a storm.

At the end of the day all I really need is to accept I am not at my best and self-nurture. It would be pointless to force myself to meditate, but on days like today I am aware meditation-like stuff is medicinal and could save me a world of trouble. So I lovingly take care of myself as I would a sick loved one. I am patient because my mind can only do so much. I celebrate everything I do right, because everything is a small conquest. I do less, so much less. Less talking, less interacting with others, less distractions, less food (because in my state it would certainly be the wrong kind of food), less overthinking, less commitments.

...

I re-read the first few sentences of this point and this is not where I wanted to take this post. Which perfectly illustrates my point. I understand my mind is a bit of jumble of things today. I accept, understand and love the mess. I will make sure the world is safe from it. And I will sit tightly to avoid that cake.

The quest for zen

For a few years now I have dabbed in meditation. This was on the back of several studies I came across, all proving that a short but regular meditation practice helps you to rewire your brain and develop the amount of grey matter you have. It has proven to be particularly helpful for victims of childhood trauma who suffer from excessive neural pruning. At this point I must say that I am not minimally qualified to discuss the medical benefits of meditation, so if you want to find out more, I would highly advise you to look it up.

Anyway, about three years ago I downloaded the Headspace app, and off I went. The Headspace app offers a series of different packs on a variety of subjects to help you bring mindfulness into all areas of your life. I did the foundation pack and then started on packs on happiness, acceptance, and others. At first I struggled to concentrate; all these new concepts were a complete novelty. With time I found it got considerably easier to focus on my breath or the sounds around me, or even how my body felt. It was peaceful and I left feeling replenished. I felt settled, like a pond that finally quietens after a pebble was thrown in and the ripples have finally stopped growing.

Which brings me to now. Now I feel like an impostor. Eight times out of ten I spend most of my meditation session thinking about work or my grocery list. It's like my mind doesn't take it seriously anymore and just bypasses it completely. I know why it's important. I know how much better I'll feel once I open my eyes again. I just find it hard to stay focused. And the more I am aware of this, the more I struggle.

So I found ways around it. I pick a song, put my headphones in, and keep my eyes and my mind clear from start to finish. I focus on the song, on the words and the melody.

I sit cross legged in front of the mirror and I look at my body. The eyes that allow me to see the world. The feet and legs that allow my to move. The arms that carry so much, the hands that intertwine with another set of hands, that type and hold a fork from plate to mouth. The nose where I see my mother's family.

I pick an object in my life and give thanks to the thousands of people between me and that item. Think I am exaggerating? Let's make the exercise with a mug of coffee then! Someone had to grow and care for the coffee plant. Someone had to harvest it and ground the beans. Someone had to package it and sell it. People had to design and produce the package it comes in. It had to be imported, then stored in a warehouse, driven to a supermarket, put on the system and later on a shelf. Now do the same with the mug. And the kettle where you boil the water to make it. Before you notice it, your life as you know it relies on millions and millions of other people. And all this time you were thinking backwards on the human effort behind a simple mug of coffee you haven't been obsessing over your life. Job done!

I am sure I could carry on, but you get the gist.

I still want to incorporate meditation in the traditional sense into my life. And forgive myself for not being perfect at it. For having days (months!) when I downright suck at it. After all there is a reason why they call it a practice.

Back again

So here I am again, almost a year since my last post.

I know I have always been a fickle blogger, and quite frankly I am okay with that. This is a space I created mostly for me. If anyone chooses to read these posts (if they happen to like them), then great! If not, then I'm comfortable with what I have.

This year I decided to be more focused and organised. Enter bullet journaling! If you don't know what it is, then go out and read all about it; it's awesome! Imagine having a notebook to keep your whole life organised. It's a diary, a journal, a planner, a list space, a drawing notebook, all rolled into one. Plus you get to personalise it as much as you want and make it pretty!

I had high hopes for this because it meant I could just write anytime, anywhere. Here is where I went wrong: as romantic as it is, I don't actually like my handwriting, and I find my handwriting speed infuriatingly slow. I much rather go through the bother of turning my laptop and only writing a few times a week (and I'm being grossly optimistic here!), than facing an empty page, only to see it (ever so) slowly being filled with an untidy handwritten text.

So that leads me to here and now.

I am hopelessly in love with bullet journaling, I just won't be using it for texts where I would - plain and simple - rather type.

So here's to what is left of 2018. Let's make it awesome!