On drifting, insomnia and cake

It is easy to drift away, especially when you feel tired. When you are under-slept, or stressed, or when you have too many things demanding your attention. In times like these it is hard to focus, to stay away from that cake (notice I didn't even bother with the word slice), to still your mind and to even understand what it is that you need.

I once came across this Zen proverb that says that you should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day - unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour. And this feels wrong and counter-intuitive, but such is the nature of life. Or rather, the society we created makes this look counter-intuitive because it goes against the rat race mentality. This rush, rush, rush to get everything done, to have more, to be more, to showcase an unblemished life where we are always strong and level-headed.

I suffer from bouts of insomnia. I will sleep like a baby for weeks, and then have a really terrible night, which can turn into a poorly slept week, until my body finally tires itself out and finds balance once again.

I am going through one such bout right now. So all I want to be left alone to read my book with a dragon portion of cookies. In my current state I don't really care about being sensible, and that's okay. I don't want to meditate, I can't focus for more than thirty seconds at a time and screw body scanning!

All my life I wanted to be strong and faultless. Which is to say I did not want to be perceived as ignorant and weak. But if the last few years have taught me anything is that it is pointless to fight having flaws. You will falter and you will lose your way at times; that's normal and to be expected. No one can be strong all the time; everything in nature goes through peaks and troughs, so it would be unnatural to expect humanity to be anything different than the wonderful (albeit infuriating) roller coaster we are. So wish not for the strength to withstand all storms, but rather wish for the wisdom and awareness to understand there is a storm.

At the end of the day all I really need is to accept I am not at my best and self-nurture. It would be pointless to force myself to meditate, but on days like today I am aware meditation-like stuff is medicinal and could save me a world of trouble. So I lovingly take care of myself as I would a sick loved one. I am patient because my mind can only do so much. I celebrate everything I do right, because everything is a small conquest. I do less, so much less. Less talking, less interacting with others, less distractions, less food (because in my state it would certainly be the wrong kind of food), less overthinking, less commitments.

...

I re-read the first few sentences of this point and this is not where I wanted to take this post. Which perfectly illustrates my point. I understand my mind is a bit of jumble of things today. I accept, understand and love the mess. I will make sure the world is safe from it. And I will sit tightly to avoid that cake.