The quest for zen

For a few years now I have dabbed in meditation. This was on the back of several studies I came across, all proving that a short but regular meditation practice helps you to rewire your brain and develop the amount of grey matter you have. It has proven to be particularly helpful for victims of childhood trauma who suffer from excessive neural pruning. At this point I must say that I am not minimally qualified to discuss the medical benefits of meditation, so if you want to find out more, I would highly advise you to look it up.

Anyway, about three years ago I downloaded the Headspace app, and off I went. The Headspace app offers a series of different packs on a variety of subjects to help you bring mindfulness into all areas of your life. I did the foundation pack and then started on packs on happiness, acceptance, and others. At first I struggled to concentrate; all these new concepts were a complete novelty. With time I found it got considerably easier to focus on my breath or the sounds around me, or even how my body felt. It was peaceful and I left feeling replenished. I felt settled, like a pond that finally quietens after a pebble was thrown in and the ripples have finally stopped growing.

Which brings me to now. Now I feel like an impostor. Eight times out of ten I spend most of my meditation session thinking about work or my grocery list. It's like my mind doesn't take it seriously anymore and just bypasses it completely. I know why it's important. I know how much better I'll feel once I open my eyes again. I just find it hard to stay focused. And the more I am aware of this, the more I struggle.

So I found ways around it. I pick a song, put my headphones in, and keep my eyes and my mind clear from start to finish. I focus on the song, on the words and the melody.

I sit cross legged in front of the mirror and I look at my body. The eyes that allow me to see the world. The feet and legs that allow my to move. The arms that carry so much, the hands that intertwine with another set of hands, that type and hold a fork from plate to mouth. The nose where I see my mother's family.

I pick an object in my life and give thanks to the thousands of people between me and that item. Think I am exaggerating? Let's make the exercise with a mug of coffee then! Someone had to grow and care for the coffee plant. Someone had to harvest it and ground the beans. Someone had to package it and sell it. People had to design and produce the package it comes in. It had to be imported, then stored in a warehouse, driven to a supermarket, put on the system and later on a shelf. Now do the same with the mug. And the kettle where you boil the water to make it. Before you notice it, your life as you know it relies on millions and millions of other people. And all this time you were thinking backwards on the human effort behind a simple mug of coffee you haven't been obsessing over your life. Job done!

I am sure I could carry on, but you get the gist.

I still want to incorporate meditation in the traditional sense into my life. And forgive myself for not being perfect at it. For having days (months!) when I downright suck at it. After all there is a reason why they call it a practice.