The parent and the child

I had a bad night yesterday, full of nightmares and restless sleep. So today I feel very, very small. Add to that a rainy morning and all I want is to curl up in bed and hug a teddy. Because I felt like this a lot when I was a kid, it's making me feel child-like. So today I am doing the opposite. Sort of.

There is a balance to be struck here, which turns out is one of the toughest things to achieve (at least for me). I want to move on, to shake this and go back to the typical adult that I am. However I don't want to ignore this, to bury it deep to fester. Because that's what always happens with unprocessed feelings. They fester. And even if they didn't, I think it's good practice to file them away how we want them, not in their raw, untamed state.

I have feelings that must be acknowledged and cared for. It is okay to feel bad. It's okay to be scared, even if the source of it is all in your head (isn't that the case most times, anyway?). The way I found most helpful to deal with this is to visualise separating myself into the child (the id, the emotional side of me, my irrational feelings and needs) and the parent (the ego, the listener of those feelings and needs). Part of me will speak about how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what I want and need, and the other part of me will listen, acknowledge and come up with a battle plan.

I got the inspiration for this after watching a TED talk from Mel Robbins. She talked about how  no one tells you that after you turn eighteen it is now your job to parent yourself, to make yourself do the things you don't want to do. So why not take it into other directions, like the parent listening to the distressed child? Because deep down we all keep our own inner child throughout our life, and sometimes they get upset. It's only natural.

This has been the sagest advice I ever followed. You know what happens when I don't? I lash out, sometimes directing my distress towards the wrong person. I self-medicate with chocolate and cakes (note the plural), or I numb myself by binge-watching Netflix or keeping too busy in order to distract my attention from my feelings. Or none of these things happens but the hurt is still there. And it will come out, one time or another. And I won't know to connect it to this initial event. I probably won't even remember this anymore.

So I practice awareness and kindness. This is where my semi-regular meditation practice comes to the rescue. If I can identify when I start to feel distress, then I can tend to it. Listen to the child. And come up with a responsible battle plan. Self-soothe with a bath or a cup of tea instead of crap food. Do something special. Write it down. Meet a friend. And tell myself why it is I am doing it. To mend whatever is cracked. To help the child. To help me get back to the adult I am.