The angst from a world of choice

I love to read. Always have and suspect always will. When people ask me what I like to read I'm often at a loss for words because I can read pretty much anything. Mostly I read fiction and I tend to stay away from girly romance stuff and crime/horror novels. Other than that I'll read anything that remotely spikes my interest. So I'm acutely, painstakingly aware that I will never - ever! - read all the books I want even if I devoted my life entirely to that wonderful task. There are just too many books!

The problem here is mostly the variety of genres and topics I will pick up. Say you're a hardcore sci-fi reader. You have a vast but limited amount of titles to choose from and throughout the years you can feel that you are actually making a dent, you can see your progress and call yourself a true hardcore sci-fi reader. Me on the other hand, not so much. Because I have such varied taste in books I can't actually call myself an expert on anything. And worst of all, the number of titles on my do-read list is endless (and growing bigger and bigger by the year). Which is why I say if I were ever given the choice of a superpower I'd choose the ability to freeze time so I could make the most of all by hobbies and have time for all those books!

And the same applies to everything else. People sometimes point out that I don't stick to things, that I'll be doing yoga or knitting a scarf and without rhyme or reason, at the flick of an invisible switch, I'll stop and move on to something else (sometimes I'll get back to it within a week or a year, sometimes I won't). There just isn't enough time, people! So I'll dab a bit here and a bit there, try a bit of this and a bit of that because it's just physically impossible to seriously devote myself to the things I love because there's just too many of them and only one of me! So unless I get bitten by a very special kind of spider, I don't think I can change things that much.

Picture this: you're a grown-up with a full-time job and a flat that you share with your loved one. In your spare time (which you can see is limited) you'd like to read loads of books, watch loads of movies, stitch, knit, dance, sing, do yoga, learn French, learn Spanish, socialise, travel, play loads of boardgames, etc, etc, etc. Either you pick a couple and neglect everything else, or you take turns between your hobbies. Simple as that.

I haven't got this completely down yet (who knows if I ever will!) but for now the trick is to focus on what you're doing and not look at the bigger picture too much. If I look around my local bookshop too much I'll end up like a hyperactive puppy on coffee, just running around and thinking to myself "I want this one, and this one and - oh look!, shiny! I want that one as well!" Not a pretty picture. Not to mention the angst of knowing you'll never get through them all.

Other than that I just go with the flow. Yes, I'm like a fickle butterfly going from flower to flower without a care in the world, but all these things I've mentioned are hobbies, so what does it matter how I go about it or if I ever become a master at any of them? As long as I'm having fun, right?

Thankful Thursday # 11

I can't believe it's this time of the week again. Not that I'm complaining, I love my weekly day of gratitude, I just can't understand where time is going... Anyway here we are and it's time to get thankful!

1. My family. This hasn't been an item in a while, partly because I live so far away from them and we interact so little that it's all too easy to forget to mention them here. We've lived through some really hard times but over the years (especially this year) I've come to realise how important my family is to the person I am today. All things considered they've been a lot more supportive of this new adventure of mine than I could've expected. When your dad pulls an all-nighter to drive you to the airport at 4am and hugs you goodbye with a smile (even though you've caught him tear up when you were in line for the check in) you know you have a reason to be thankful.
2. My boyfriend. These past couple of weeks we've been apart and I don't think I went a moment without his support. I'm extraordinarily lucky to have someone by my side that is so understanding and supportive. He encourages me to be better and better and he has my back whenever the Universe decides to pull the rug from under my feet.
3. Sunny days in the UK. I just got back from Portugal, where it's nice and sunny and I was having such a nice time I didn't want to come back to the Midlands. So waking up to a sunny day is the best way to get back on track and fall in love with my adopted country again. Thank you, weather gods, you've done good today!
4. The Lisbon book fair. I used to go every single year and have only missed the last three due to living abroad and never being in Lisbon during the fair. For everyone in the Midlands, imagine the German Christmas market but with good weather and books. It's been expertly organised, with little stalls of traditional food turned fancy, lots of places to sit and chill in the shade, events and activities and... cheaper books! What's not to love. I went a bit crazy (having been deprived of the experience for three years!) and got myself 12 new babies to read. Result!
5. Keeping myself busy. When you're out of a job it's massively important to stay busy. If I didn't I'd end up not getting out of bed by the third day. Last time I was unemployed I had to come up with a system to stay busy and on top of things at all times, so now it feels like slipping an old familiar glove in your hand. I know when I get up, what time I go to bed and what my goals and plans are for the in between times. And boy does this help!
6. My impromptu holiday in Portugal. I know I'm still a bit zonked and massively missing my country and family, but it was exactly what I needed to set me right for this new (and hopefully brief) chapter of my life. I've been with the people I love, I grieved the loss of something truly great and I've matured my plans for the future. And now onwards with my life! See you next week, everyone!

Thankful Thursday # 10

Good morning, everyone! Without further ado here are this week's reasons to be happy:

1. Being with the people you love. Having been here last ten months ago I have missed everyone terribly. And thankfully part of that longing doesn't rear its ugly head until I actually see them again, which is good, you get to kill that I've missed you feeling straight away. And I've been gleefully murdering it every day.
2. Family birthdays in person. Because I only visit Portugal in the Summer and during the Christmas holidays I resigned myself to the idea that there were a lot of things I would forever miss. Namely spending family birthdays with my family. Well, today's my brother's birthday (and tomorrow's my aunt's) and I'm here! Hurray!
3. Portuguese bread. Seriously. If I could I would empty my suitcase and travel to the UK bringing nothing but pounds and pounds of delicious bread. Damn it, why did I have to bring pointless things like clothes and mobile chargers?
4. Having quiet head space. Yummy moments with no one around, just the music you want to listen to and the things you want to do, no strict schedules, so you can take your time, and just treasure your own company.
5. The book fair. The book fair, everyone! Again, as said in #2, I never imagined I would see another book fair for many, many years to come. And yet due to this unexpected turn of events here I am, ready to hunt for literary bargains and have farturas (think churros without the filling) in the park.
6. A sunny weekend at the beach. I don't want to jinx it, so I almost didn't write about it, but here goes... The weather's been crappy since I got here (literally, it turned the day I landed) and tomorrow we're heading off to the beach for a few days. It's basically a bring your sunscreen and your book scenario. Nothing much to do but bask in the sun and read 200 pages a day. Yes please!
7. Finding your off switch. I'm a worrier and it stresses me out. Yet somehow most times my brain still retains the power to switch off the ability to see grand picture and be happy with minor details of my life. I could be freaking out because I've been made redundant a couple of weeks ago. Instead I choose to detatch myself from that for now and enjoy my impromptu holiday. I may not have a job at the moment but hey! cheaper books and birthday cakes!
8. Getting closure and having an action plan. The good thing about seeing all your friends and family is that every time you meet someone for the first time during the holiday you have to explain yet again what happened to your former job and what you're planning to do next. I was actually dreading it because I didn't think it would give me a chance to get any closure and move on, but I found that it really helps. Having to repeat myself on this issue again and again helps me to remember the great things I can take away from my job, how much I loved it and everyone in it, how much I learned and grew and it solidifies my resolve leaving me increasingly more confident with my plans for the future. And that's just plain awesome!

Thankful Thursday # 9

Have you missed this space, boys and girls? I have, but it so happens that weeks have been flying by so fast that I never remember it's Thursday until we get to Friday. So lets seize this opportunity and carry on this fine tradition:

1. Sunshine. It just makes everything better. And it certainly makes me happier and in a great mood.
2. Being home with the family. This has been an unexpected turn of events, having an impromptu holiday, but I decided to make the most of it and just enjoy the time spent next to my loved ones.
3. My lovely boyfriend. In the face of a new crisis he is my rock and he is the sort of person to let me do whatever is best to heal myself. Even if that means dropping our plans so I can fly back to Portugal for a bit.
4. The last five months. I've never - ever! - been as happy as I've been in the past five months. It pains me that there's nothing in my power that would allow me to extend that period of time indefinitely, but I won't cry over it (anymore). I will hold my head high and my heart open, still bursting from all the good I got from that time, and I will brave my future with a smile, knowing those five months made me a better person.
5. Portuguese food. Losing weight and keeping a diet whilst on holiday in Portugal takes a will of steel. It's one thing to dream of chocolate kidneys (not actual kidneys covered in chocolate, we're not that mad), it's quite another to see them less than a foot away and actually being able to buy them.
6. Having time for myself. I don't actually feel I needed it that much, to be honest, however I'm determined to make the most of it and to enjoy it as much as possible. To take it as an opportunity to do things I don't normally get to do. To go on an adventure by myself.

Where is the life that once I led?*

Three days ago I was leading my life as normal. It was just another awesome day. I was happy, everything in my life seemed to be coming together. I had a job I loved, I was maddly in love with the greatest man I've ever met and with whom I've been sharing my life and a flat for almost three years, I was surrounded by amazing people, I had my holidays booked for the summer and then Christmas at my dad's (finally!), loads of cute little plans for the next couple of weeks of getting together with friends, going to Comic Con in London, picnics and all sorts of outings.

And then something changed. And my life seems to have been turned upside down like one of those snow globes that you shake and I know that even when I manage to get back to the right position and angle nothing will be the same. The snowflakes that made up my life will fall differently and I will need to adjust to a new reality.

I have decided that I will be positive about it. Or as positive as I can. Make no mistake, I am distraught. The life I was living was close to perfect. So no, I do not want it to change, not one small bit of it. And yet it must. So the only choice I have in the matter is how to face the storm. In the words of Daenerys Targaryen "If I look back I am lost", so instead of acknowledging what I've lost and how awesome my life was just three days ago I need to look forward. I need to think how I can make this new reality work. I need to distill these past few months and take with me only the good bits that will allow me to have a brighter future than I would've had if those five months hadn't existed at all.

I will persevere and I will weather this storm better equiped than I've ever been before. Sure, it hurts now. It will probably still hurt for a very long time. But as the days go by I believe the choices I've made so far will turn out to be the right ones for me. I have a sort of plan. And somehow it will work out in the end. Because happiness isn't just a collection of good things that happen to you, but the sum of effort, luck, the right frame of mind and a desire to make things work. 

*Kiss me Kate, The Musical

April in review

Wow it's been a while since I last wrote anything, which, boys and girls, is a sign of a busy life! Yes, it's been a whirlwind of events lately. And I find myself more than halfway through May to a point where it's getting a bit hard to think back on my life a few weeks ago. But lets give it a shot nonetheless, shall we?

The grand event in April was our trip to Morocco. It was the setting in stone of this new chapter in our lives. The new job brought a world of hope with it and we could see so many new milestones practically within our grasp, a life with proper holiday getaways such as a short trip to Morocco. The trip itself was absolutely amazing - two days in Marrakesh and two days in the desert. I rode a camel even though I'm massively scared of heights. We spoke a mish-mash of several languages put together. We dared to explore a country that put us way out of our comfort zone, where if you got lost you had no way to even read the street signs. Where food and customs were so different from our own. And we had a great time!

In April I celebrated three months at the new job. Still massively in love with it, every day a bit more. Everything about it is still perfect and it is with great joy that I get up every monday morning and head off to another fun day doing my job around such great people.

In terms of leisure this was the month when we started exploring a bit more. We had a falconry session somewhere in Sheffield. We explored some of our local restaurants. We went abroad. We discovered new places and new things to do in the Midlands.

Also there was Lent. 40-odd days with no chocolate. To be honest I never truly believed I could pull it off all the way to the end, but somehow I persevered through the whole thing, for which I am massively happy! And now who knows? The sky is the limit when you realise that most of your short-comings and limitations are only in your head.

And that's it for April, boys and girls. Soon enough there'll be another month for me to reflect upon, so let me get on with my life, shall I?

Overcoming the small impossible

Let me tell you about my relationship with chocolate. Me and chocolate go way back. Further than what you're probably thinking. More than just loving it and craving it I think there's a sort of emotional connection on a primal level. Eat chocolate - feel better, kinda thinking. I tend to have it every time I feel deeply sad or stress and it always makes me feel less (insert bad feeling here). Emotional disarray always leads to chocolate. Great joys lead to chocolate as well because you feel invencible and it's not the lack of a bit of chocolate that is going to dampen your happiness, so you celebrate with chocolate.

And such were my childhood and teenage years. But the thing is I'm a grown up now and even though I now have the tools to face my own problems and actively live the life I want to have, the chocolate as a drug and a need has never left. And I genuinely thought I could manage, cut a bit here and there, but that it would always be here. I love chocolate. I do. But ours isn't a healthy relationship because this is not something I can be without for very long. Thirteen days was my record. Until now.

Looking at my life right now this is my strongest year by far. I have a job I love, I have wonderful people around me and I go home to the most amazing man I've ever met. I'm healthy, I'm happy and I lead a good life. So if ever there was a time to start this was it. This year, a bit on a whim, I decided on Pancake Day to give up chocolate for Lent. Cold turkey, just like that. And in my head I thought "Yeah, yeah, lets entertain this for as long as possible... which will not be 40 days, not a chance... ever!" Every day I got a bit more surprised that I was still going strong. And now here I am, less than 24 hours from the end of my own challenge with my chocolate intake at a glowing zero.

I never thought I'd last the whole of Lent. Ever. Eeeever!! So to be able to prove to myself that I can, is a complete game changer. The truth of the matter is I undersell myself constantly. It's a by-product of years and years of traumatic experiences that I should by now have overcome. I didn't think I had it in me to do this, which is why I had never attempted this before. This proves how much I can accomplish if I put my mind to it. This small and massive victory will be extrapolated and incorporated into other areas of my life. If I think I can, then I'm already halfway there.

I feel proud and well chuffed. I did it. By George, I really did it (break into song, everyone!) I overcame my limitations because I dared to. I will continue to eat chocolate, not nearly as much as before, but a bit every now and then. But the humdinger is I will never become its bitch again. No more clutches and dependencies for me. This was a much needed breakup of an unhealthy relationship and there'll be no going back!

Downfall

A few weeks ago I heard one of the most famous Portuguese pop singers is working in a McDonalds. A few days ago I found in a gossip magazine that one of Portugal's best known actors is working in a clothes shop. Times are hard. Harder than they've ever been. I don't mean to say any of these jobs are in any way demeaning, not at all. There's no shame in honest hard work (I've worked in sandwich shops for two years myself), but the example goes to show how tough things are back home.

Meanwhile the term "brain drain" has earned daily usage as more and more young and highly educated people desert the country in hopes of a better future elsewhere. Or even just a future. It's sad when you realize that the friends you left behind - people that work as University professors or have office jobs in high profile companies - are bringing home less money than you cleaning tables in a foreign country (for which I'm deeply grateful on my end of things).

I abandoned ship before it started to sink and for different reasons, chiefly among them because I wanted to share my life with the most wonderful person I've ever met, and that meant moving a thousand miles from home. Whatever my reasons were I'm glad I did it. I love my life here. Living in the Midlands I know that if all goes well and if I work hard enough I can look forward to many happy milestones - marriage, our own house, kids, the whole suburban dream. Maybe even have a bit left over for a few treats - holidays, days out, etc. And I'm not sure I'd have any of this if I had stayed back home.

It's deeply saddening to see your homeland fare so badly and people living worse and worse. But in the long run you only have one life to live and I'm happy with the choices I've made so far. And who knows? Maybe things will pick up back home. They could hardly do otherwise. Fingers crossed.

Thankful Thursday # 8

It's been a while since we've done this, boys and girls, and I feel I've become a bit rusty. Never fear, it's time for another go! Here's this today's blessings:

1. My job. For the last few weeks I've seen people I love being drained of all their energy because conditions at the workplace are unsustainable on so many levels. So I'm really, really grateful that my job is very much a happy place for me.
2. Vegetarian days. For the second time in a month I've had a bit of a vegetarian phase without actually realising it until I was well into it. This makes me feel extraordinarily happy. Who knew the person that could barely tolerate a few leaves of lettuce on her plate and that had to make an effort to eat a piece of fruit a week could spend almost a full week on fruit and veg and giving up chocolate? Which brings me to the next item...
3. My Lent challenge. I'm not a religious person (even though I was raised catholic) but I'm a sucker for challenges (sometimes it's even the only way to get me to do things I'm not particularly excited about). And I'm well proud to say that 30 days into it and I have not broken my promise yet. Hurrah, this would call for a treat, except that would sort of defeat the purpose... Damn it!
4. The personal pampering time I had for myself last night. I've been feeling really, really tired and drained of energy (that's lack of proper sleep and a few busy weekends for you) and yesterday I decided to make the most of my time alone in the house. I did my workout, tidied up and then went to bed at 7:35. And for about 90 minutes I read my book, drank my tea, listened to French music on my laptop and did some stitching, all of it done in the comfort of our bed. It was utter bliss and I'm feeling so much more energised now!
5. Daffodils. Tis the season to see the roads all peppered with white and yellow and it's absolutely lovely. It's the coming of Spring (although someone bring the good tidings upstairs, because I don't think anyone from the sky department has heard of it yet, what with all the cloudy weather we've been having) and everything looks so much prettier and brighter. All we need now is a bit of sunshine and more warmth.

And here we are! Same time next week?

March in review

March is difficult month to look back on precisely because, much like January and February it went by in a flash. I know I keep repeating myself, but seriously, where's the time flying to and why is it in such a hurry to be gone?

So I'll list simply some of the details that I can remember off the top of my head of yet another month that went past in a blur faster than a bullet train.

March was my third month at the new job and I can say I'm still immensely happy in that department (which would help account to the speed at which time seems to fly nowadays). March was when we went to our first Comic Con and had such a great time we're already planning the next one in a few months. It is the month when the Portuguese celebrate Father's Day, to which I played my part in advance and sent a parcel full of goodies back home. It was a fairly busy social month. In March I had the very first fully vegetarian week of my life, all without even trying (in fact I only realized the absence of meat in my diet by day 5). No, I didn't turn to the green side, I'm very much a meat eater, but it's great to see how much healthier my relationship with fruit and veg is.

By far the greatest achievement in the whole month was a half hearted challenge I posed myself - to do Lent properly and give up chocolate for 40 days. I never - ever! - expected to go all the way, it was just nice and healthy to give it a go and see how far I could make it. The most I've ever spend without my drug of choice was 13 days a few years ago. Now I'm well chuffed to announce that 28 days into it and still no chocolate has touched my lips (they've come very close... I've sniffed a lot of chocolate, but I've managed to resist temptation so far).

On a very close second is my exercise program. I managed to exercise 24 out of 31 days. Not a brilliant score, but really not bad. I don't see a thing on the scale, but I can see a massive difference in the mirror, and that's really where it counts, right?

And so it is with a smile that we turn to April, a month with a lot in store. So, that being said, it's time to log off and get started!