On belonging

Yesterday the boyfriend and I were watching Guardians of the Galaxy vol.2 on the sofa. If you haven't seen it, go watch it, it's awesome! After you do, go check out Lindsay Ellis' review on Youtube (link here). More than a great Marvel film about saving the galaxy, to me it's a story about family. Finding your tribe and also going back to the people you may have overlooked. I could write many, many posts on how I relate to the different characters in this film (again, watch the Youtube review), but for now I will just focus on Rocket.

It's obvious that every single one of these characters have been pretty messed up by life, Rocket being no exception. The thing that struck me is how much of a dick he is to everyone in this film (apart from baby Groot, but then again, who can resist baby Groot?) and how much I related to that behaviour. To the outsider he may simply look pissed off or that he is actively trying to drive people away. To me it's the exact opposite; Rocket behaves like someone who has found a family for the first time, and he is scared of being left again. After being mistreated his whole life, he has found a group of people who accept him and see value in him. An unlikely tribe of people, just as weird, who love him. People he loves back. And he doesn't know what to do with it. So he lashes back. Because a good part of him still expects to be abandoned, so he lashes out to see if people will still stick around. I know. I used to be him.

Maybe I am looking too deeply into this, but in this film I see myself in Rocket a lot. I used to throw my weirdness at people to see if they still stuck around. Throughout my early years I learned that if I showed who I truly was, people would leave me. I was too weird. Too quirky. I tried hiding it, but as friendships grew my quirkiness would start to leach out. And then people would leave and I would be heartbroken. So I learned to skip this step and I would just throw my weirdness at people to see if they left or if they stayed. If they stayed then they were worth investing in, because they had already accepted my weirdness.

Sometimes I am told I take too much pleasure in my quirkiness. That is true, I do enjoy it now, but there is so much more to that statement. In the past I did it to test people, and to prove to myself that I was worthy of their love, because they clearly accepted me despite of my quirkiness. There was a dark pit made of a lack of self-love, acceptance and belonging that I couldn't fill. So this was my attempt. 

Throughout the years I learned many things that changed my view of this. I know I am loved, regardless of how weird I am, and a lot of times I am loved because of that weirdness. I belong. Period. In many hearts, and some families, I belong. My quirkiness inspires others. It is one of my favourite weapons to better the world. I don't need people to prove their love to me anymore. And I am here to prove my love to them. To everyone in my life who is still a Rocket. Who still steal batteries they don't need (go watch the film!).

In my memories of who I was there will always be a Rocket. And he now knows that he is loved.