Thankful Thursday # 6

Hello boys and girls. Did you miss Thankful Thursday last week? I really didn't feel like doing it not because I didn't have things to be thankful for, but rather because I just couldn't be bothered. I mean, this is something I do because I like, because it makes me feel better about my life. It shouldn't feel like a chore. So I skipped a week. Ready for this week's batch?

1. Time flying fast. It was only at 5pm today that I realized this was a thursday. Thrusday!! I've been so busy and so concentrated on the things I have going on in my life right now that I can't believe tomorrow isn't just tuesday. Weeks simply have been flying by. And it's great when days don't drag, don't you think.
2. As a result of time flying by, tomorrow's a friday! Weekend ahead! Woop woop!
3. Celebrating my birthday. Not because of the presents, but rather because I love being showered will all the attention, all the phone calls and facebook updates and hearing from people I don't get much of a change to speak to most of the year except on special occasions. And cake! All hail cake!
4. Lack of traffic on half term weeks. Usually it takes me forty five minutes to get to work. This week - all week - I drove happily to my destination in less than twenty.
5. Treating myself to a day trip to London, one of the three cities that hold the key to my heart. I even like the train trip, just perfect for a bit of extra and much craved for reading.
6. Having fun at the workplace. Which I do, every single day! Tomorrow I'm banned from the office until it's actually my time to start working... I suspect there may be birthday cake involved in all this plotting...

Nothing but the rain

It's been raining a lot lately. And by raining I mean we should have started building an ark ages ago because at this rate we will soon all be underwater. A few days ago on one of my walks around town with my flimsy little umbrella I thought of something that hasn't crossed my mind in years. My grandmother had an umbrella, a small but proper one. For years and years it was always the same olive greenish thing of sturdy built that never once got turned over. And I wonder what happened to it, who did I gave it to and why the hell didn't I keep it. At the time of her death I had a lot on my mind to worry about a silly umbrella. But looking back I wish I had. Because I chose to live in a very (very!) wet country and having a constant reminder of her would've been nice.

You see, my grandmother passed away in 2010. One day she was fine and two days later she simply wasn't here anymore. We were never close, not as much as she wished and as much as I needed, and yet that was the status quo. Mine is a complicated family history. Suffice it to say the word "feud" is a poor description. And so it was easier to not get involved. To keep people away.

And now all I have is the regret of all that was left unsaid and undone. Now there is only one living being with whom share the same genetic heritage from that side of my family, and all the stories and recipes and mementos are lost forever. When my maternal uncle died I had two weeks to empty the house they lived in for over fifty years. And I had only my own bedroom to store whatever I chose to keep, so I kept very little. The tea set, a few pictures of people I could identify as family members, one of her scarves and little else. And now I wish I had kept the umbrella. I sure could use it now. The umbrella and a bit of family love. The one we never actually expressed openly.

The celebration train

When you move to a foreign country the first thing you're bound to feel is isolation. You left your country, your home, your family and friends behind. Ahead is a seemingly endless sea of days without any of it. And no matter how promising your new life is, the emptiness caused by all the things that have ceased to be part of your life aches. A lot. And the day when you travel back for no matter how long always feels a million light years away. So what do you do? How do you cope?

Personally I focused on smaller milestones. On holidays and any reason to celebrate. My first week living abroad. Then the first month. Then my boyfriend's birthday. Then Hallowe'en. Bonfire Night. Our anniversary. Christmas. New Years. Valentines. Pancake Day. My Birthday. And soon enough I was celebrating my first year abroad.

Very much like a train that stops in every little village until it reaches the big city, I was always concentrating on the next item on the celebratory list. I avoided thinking "there's still seven months until I see my family again". Instead I looked forward to the next holiday. Just two weeks to go. And then only a month until it's time to celebrate something else again. I was denial when it came to looking at the bigger picture. And it worked.

I know it might sound childish and stupid, but there's no arguing over the results. Living abroad is tough and not for the faint of mind/heart. You're entitled to a few coping mechanisms. Besides, this type of thinking will help you blend in so much faster. And by blend in I mean learn the way of the land and learn to enjoy it just like the natives do. Think about it - what's not to love about a day dedicated to eating pancakes? Or having an extra day after Christmas to just chill out? And you can still celebrate your old holidays, even it is on a smaller scale.

Ponder on this - you're not really trading your native train for a new one, you're just adding more stops along the way! And that's progress!

Thankful Thursday # 5

Wow is it that time of the week already? How time flies when you're busy having fun! Well, here we go then!

1. Pink sunrises. It's like the promise of a sunny day, albeit not always a true one. Still, it's pretty and I like to believe the sun will shine bright every time I see one.
2. My boyfriend's cooking classes. The leftovers I take the next day are always the envy of the office. And so tasty I have to ration it before tasting otherwise I'd eat a double serving of what I should. Yum!
3. Valentines. I know it's still a week away, and you can always argue it's just another concoction society came up with to make us spend money for no good reason. I say any reason to party and celebrate and shower a loved one with gifts are welcomed.
4. Working next to a window. When given the chance to choose I desk I chose one where I could see a bit of sky. I'm Portuguese, I seriously need the light. And it makes all the difference!
5. My new boots. One of the first (and very few) things I splurged my first wages on and so so worth it. And I don't say this lightly, I'm a sissy when it comes to footwear, especially if there are heels involved. So yeah, really good purchase.
6. Being a foreigner. It basically gives you an unlimited supply of small talk. And it gives you loads of funny stories for parties or when there's a dull moment in the office (which I've never experienced yet)
7. Driving in the UK with the same cds I had in my Portuguese car. I'm listening to the Beatles and suddenly the M6 could easily be just another stretch of the A5. Weird how that works, right?

January in review

I can't believe January is a thing of the past. That's 1/12 of the year gone. Puff! Like smoke. In the night so as to disappear undetected and in a shady manner. And I must admit I'm not quite ready for February yet. Are you? Are you keeping to your resolutions for 2014? Because I haven't even quite started most of them! Oh well, so what exactly was January up to?

The big item this year is the new job. So it was that as January was still in its infancy I started a new career that was quick to catch my heart. I've said it on a few occasion and I'll repeat it again - I love my job. And I love everything that comes with it. I love my work, I love my colleages, I love my days, my new routines, my tupperware lunches with leftovers, even my commute is pleasant.

So January was all about the job. And what wasn't about the job was about running the rest of my life whilst having a job. Housework and all that. And to be quite honest I think I did I good job. The job went great, the house was fine, all meals were planned in advance, all ironing done before a new week started, there was never anything to be done last minute. We even had a bit of a weekend away in Oxford with friends and yummy cocktails.

But I expect more of February. It's time to step things up a bit more. It's time to get cracking with my diet and get my sorry behind to the gym on a regular basis. It's time to live a bit more. To do more with my time. And it's high time I get on with it!

Thankful Thrusday # 4

So, boys and girls, it's that magical time of the week. Ready to get thankful? Here we go!

1. Pay day. It's tomorrow! Yes! I'm soooo happy about this! I haven't seen wages enter my bank account since late August, so the situation is a bit dire. Friday cannot come fast enough!
2. Fajitas. Yummy, healthy, deeply satisfying and wrapped neatly in a couple of tortillas. What more could you want from your meal? Except if you're a slob like me and always make a mess of something supposedly simple and tidy. Never embark upon a fajita without napkins, people! Trust me, embarassing food stains in your office clothes are... well... an embarassment.
3. My roots. I've been feeling culturally homesick of late. It happens every once in a while. Yesterday I had a fado cd on a loop while driving to and from work. I didn't actually listen to it much when I lived in Portugal, but there's something about being outside the motherland that makes you cling to it every once in blue moon. And I'm glad I have my Portuguese books and music to keep me company when that happens.
4. Sharing my life with a book reader. Yesterday I almost had to stare at Rui until he put Flowers for Algernon down. He read a third of the book in one sitting and I love him even more for it. By now you know how much I love books, so having someone to share that at the end of each day is quite the treat.
5. Pay day. We've done that already? Well, it's worth mentioning twice, I'm really so excited about it!
6. Being so close to the weekend. This is going to be the weekend when I finally win a Takenoko game, I can feel it! And the weekend I start making sock creatures again and back to the treadmill again! Also, did anyone say sushi? Just two more days to go!

Declaring your ignorance

Ok, so when moving to a foreign country, no matter how familiar you think the culture is, be prepared to declare your ignorance. Kinda like going through customs. Not really, but I'm forcing the idea nonetheless. Go with it.

I spent most of my life in love with the English language and culture. I considered myself to be a fluent speaker, I absorbed the culture (and by that I mean cinema, literature and television) like an eager sponge. I began preparing for my move a year in advance. I stayed at my boyfriend's flat (now our flat) on a number of occasions before moving in. I was ready to fit in like a glove.

And then reality hit me. The truth of the matter is you know nothing. Whatever you imagined your new home to be is an incomplete frame of something much bigger. This is not a nation of Stephen Frys, that's just a part of it. Not every breakfast is supposed to be a grand full English. There are bright sunny days to be enjoyed.

My first barrier was - quite unexpectedly - the language. I was used to the proper BBC accent and then I landed somewhere in the Midlands. I couldn't make out what people said and I was absolutely shocked. So I started hearing other people's conversations on public transport. I know it sounds wrong, but for me it was a crucial step towards overcoming an unseen obstacle. Gradually, over time I started feeling more at ease and my ears picked colloquial English much faster. And when that doesn't work I pretend my allergies are acting up and my hearing is off.

Then there's pop culture. As I moved about in my new home I noticed that when I could make out the words of what people were saying, a lot of the time I had no clue what they were going on about. I didn't recognise a single face on magazine covers. I didn't get references that would send people into fits of raucous laughter.

And a multitude of other assorted aspects of everyday life. Getting used to walking down the stairs on a double decker without looking like an idiot. Finding your way around. Learning about the "new" holidays and new customs (I had no idea what you're supposed to do on Boxing Day or what Pancake day was until the day was nearly over and it was too late to have my pancake), new foods, new routines and pretty much a new way of life. When in Rome, I guess...

So for all of this I soon learned that the best way to go about it is to declare your ignorance. Forget what you thought you knew and trust the natives. Imagine, if you will, that you're a five year-old again and you're learning the world anew. And let go of who you were. This is the time to reinvent yourself. If you really want to make in your new home it then you need to chance. To adapt. To embrace your ignorance and start over. Mind you, it's not an easy frame of mind to maintain long term. It's deeply humbling and it takes a great sense of humility. But if you can do it I promise you'll be so much better for it. You'll feel at home much faster. You'll grow. You'll learn. You'll be one of us. And we have cookies.

Thankful Thursday # 3

It's Thursday, everyone! And you know what that means! Here we go!

1. My job. It's been almost three weeks and I still can't believe I'm being paid to do something I love doing and spend the day with amazing co-workers. I'm really really happy :)
2. My boyfriend. I have the boyfriend that beats them all (not literally) and I'm very grateful he chose me to share his life with. And cook for me. Just saying...
3. Singing Queen's Dont stop me now at the top of my lungs on the drive home. Epic.
4. My new glasses. Sleek, modern and purple. It's like a new chapter of my life announcing its start right on top of my nose. It's the dawn of a new me, and I love it!
5. Weekend getaways and partying with friends. Hello, Oxford! It's been ages since we went out with friends and even though it's not something I particularly love doing on a regular basis (I'm pretty much a house cat), every once in a while it feels great to get out and catch up with friends.
6. Sunny mornings. We've been blessed with quite a few and it's just the perfect way to start your day. All you need is a sunny commute with the radio on and your set for a great and happy day!

Postponed dreams

A while before I moved to the UK I did a short musical theatre course. In the middle of all the great people I met there there was this girl, eighteen or nineteen at the time and with all the certainty of what she wanted from life. She wanted to be a musical theater performer, a real one. Not someone who dabs at it after work but someone who actually makes it their bread and butter. I envied that. I also felt a certain amount of... pity. I say this because I imagined how hard it was going to be even if you're really, really talented. And she was, except in the vocal area. I don't mean anything mean by it, but when she started, when I knew her, I felt her voice was a bit coarse. Of course, her voice was untrained and so her vocal range was limited and a lot of notes felt strained and forced. But I respected and deeply admired her choice of pursuing her passion. In my heart I wished her all the luck in the world. And so our paths parted.

Yesterday I found a video of her in one of the latest productions she was in. And if it didn't have her name on it I would never, ever have believed that was the same voice. She grew vocally from a duckling to a swan, if you pardon the overused cliché. The voice I heard had a tridimentional quality to it, a shine and shimmer. It glittered and it shone like running water in the sunlight. And I was never happier to be proven wrong. It's proof that talent means very little next to hard work and dedication.

And to be perfectly honest, apart from feeling happy for her I felt sad for myself. Sad because I can feel my voice shrinking a bit more with every passing year. It's like any other muscle, if you don't work it it goes back to what it was before you first attempted to conquer a new note. And I left the stage behind me a long time ago.

In my heart and my head I know how stupid this all sounds. I made all the right choices for me and I would make them all the same again. I would've loved to have a career on stage, but I would never be ready for all the hurdles and rejection it entails. And even if I did succeed, I wouldn't want the life that comes with it. I want the suburban dream. I want a family and lots of books and a house and weekends off. I wouldn't change my current life for the world! The perfect better half, the amazing job, the life in a foreign country, our rented flat, all the bookshelves and all the shared dreams for the future.

Besides I'm not even in my thirties yet! I have a life of dreams to chase. And then there's always amateur productions, when the time is right. I firmly believe I'm not done with the stage yet. This is just a very long hiatus. I'll get back to it when the time is right for me. Right?

Reinventions of self

Today I went to pick up my new glasses. They're the purple ones that you see over this text. Every time I put them on I feel brand new (and dizzy, but that's just my eyes adjusting to the new prescription) and it kinda ties in well with this time in my life where I can clearly feel I'm starting a brand new chapter of what promises to be a very happy and exciting story. A new job and the promise of a bright future. And it got me thinking.

I guess you can tell my story through my glasses. I've started wearing glasses shortly after starting Uni as a result of so many readings in less than perfect lighting. It's funny, almost everyone I know from my course started Uni without glasses and yet almost everyone was wearing glasses by the time we graduated. English majors, eh?

Anyhoot, my first pair was as understated as you could get. The slimmest of frames, black, and only on top, the bottom was just the lens without a frame. In photos you could almost miss them on my face. I felt good with them. Brainy and true to my love of literature (or at least to the cliché of it). I felt like I now had something that would require people to take me seriously. I wore glasses, ergo I knew my business.

My second pair was acquired while I was still at Uni though by then I had discovered dance and song and acting, so I was ready to be bolder. Hence came my red glasses (see in picture above). I was going through an artistic phase and when I got home with such a statement on my face my dad almost had a fit. You are going to get sick of them fast, the novelty will soon be lost and you'll be stuck with them for ages, he said (and by said I mean shouted). Which thankfully was never the case. I fell in love with my glasses today as much as on the first moment they rested upon my nose. They represent a willingness to be noted, to be looked at, to be adventurous and fun and to take a leap into the unknown. I was ready to venture outside of my shell. As my boyfriend and the salespeople at vision express can tell you, it took a lot of effort to get me to accept something on my face other than my red glasses. I knew a change was needed, but I just didn't feel like myself without them.

And now make way for the purple ones. I confess I was slightly unconvinced at the shop, but as soon as I put them on today on my way to work I could see a different life before me. This is a new me. This is a rebirth, a reinvention. For the first time in my life I feel like a grown-up through and through. No more crappy teenager jobs, no more wearing trainers to work. Now it's all boots and packed leftovers for lunch and being wary of scratching my eyes because ups! I'm now wearing makeup. It's a new life for me. And it seems only fitting that it should show on my face.