The fun times of being temporarily single

My boyfriend and I do our holidays apart. To most people this sounds weird, but trust me, if you both have family abroad (even if both families live in the same city) this starts to make sense for a number of reasons. When I go on "holiday" (and time at home is never the same as a holiday abroad to a new country) I never get much rest. It's a constant pilgrimage of going from relative to relative and trying to catch up with old friends. So imagine this with both my family/friends and his in the mix.

Anyway, he's been away for a few days and people around me seem to want to pat me on the back because they believe I am lonely. But that's not the way I see it. I see this as an opportunity to have fun and to enjoy the little things I don't get to do when he's around.

Yes, I love my boyfriend deeply and I can't wait for him to come back, but hey!, let's be honest here; there's loads of things you don't get to do much when you share your space with someone else. Here's a few:

1. Singing in the shower in the morning (he's still asleep when I get up, so lots of noise would be a no no)
2. Watching films your other half wouldn't be caught dead watching. I watch rom-coms not so much because I really enjoy them, but mostly because I can!
3. Sleeping like a starfish. Seriously, having the bed all to myself is bliss!
4. Leaving your yarn everywhere. My living room looks like my gran moved in and decided to knit like there's no tomorrow. I make no apologies.
5. Less washing up to do.
6. Organising your time off however you want it and being able to change your mind at a moment's notice without it impacting anyone else.
7. Deciding what to want to wear that same day. Because I get up earlier than my better half I always leave my clothes ready the day before, so I'm enjoying the total freedom of not having another human being in the bedroom when I get up.
8. Planning your meals exactly to your specifications.
9. Making the bed in less than 10 seconds.
10. Not feeling guilty for being caught in a book for longer than you should. The new Harry Potter book came out a few days ago, I would be disappointed with myself if I managed to control myself...

The world awaits outside

The world is a playground. You know that when you're a kid, but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it.

That is from the Jim Carrey film Yes Man. And it got me thinking.

I wonder if this is true of me. Was there ever a time in my life when I thought the word was a playground? Something fun and exciting and not a sequence of death traps?

I don't think so. I think due to my childhood experiences I've always seen the world as a scary place, and so I closed myself to it. I put up walls and shut people out, even though I was desperate for attention and affection. I sat in my corner, very still, with books and films and dolls for company and I led a sheltered life, not because I was spoiled, but because I couldn't be persuaded to leave my comfort zone.

So what I'm doing now is not really a rediscovery of the good old thrilling times.

It's a brand new discovery.

A whole new world.

A series of wonderful adventures waiting to be lived.

And for once I'm not staying inside.

Tomato or no tomato, that is the question

Usually when write here and I present a problem I have its solution lined up and ready to jump onto a new paragraph, so this is a bit of an unusual post for me.

Last Summer I was on a diet when I went back home. In my endless pilgrimage to all my relatives and selected friends, I called on an elderly cousin for lunch. The day before she'd asked me what I wanted for lunch so I replied I'd love her famous breaded chicken fillets. 'What with? Chips or rice?', she asked again. And so I said I wanted neither, just the chicken and a sliced tomato as a side.

The following day I arrived at her house with a hearty appetite, only to be greeted by a tomatoless table. I found instead that the tomato had been merciless replaced by a big plate of chips placed right in front of my plate for my own convenience and the imminent death of my diet. When I politely asked about the tomato my cousin replied something like 'I heard you said tomato, but I know that deep down you wanted chips, so I made them especially just for you.'

The end of this story is not important, but I'm left pondering what could I have done.

What do you do when you are desperately fighting yourself to keep your diet going and your loved ones decide to sabotage you instead of supporting your decision? And they do this out of love, believing that pleasing you now is somehow better than helping you reach your long term goal. What do you do? Do you say no to the chips and sulk? Do you pick a fight with a relative you only get to see once or twice a year? Or do you eat them out of courtesy even though you didn't ask for them and they're actually bad for you?

I'm trying hard to keep my diet going and I know whatever weight I lose could easily be gained when I'm away on holiday. Heck, my lost weight may even bring friends to stay and make my thighs their new home! So I'm conscious of the traps ahead and I would like to avoid them.

The question is - how do you do it?

How to save a life

Somewhere in my personal journey (it could have been a podcast or a book, I don't really recall) I came across this quote from a fairly recent Matt Damon movie called We bought a Zoo and it goes like this:

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

So I bought the movie (because I'm blessed with the gift of a bit of disposable income) and left it on a shelf until today, a random Saturday afternoon, I found some time to get to watch it. It is a wonderful movie and that quote just completely brought it home to me.

Twenty seconds of insane courage.

That's all there is to it.

And it got me thinking about my life six years ago. Back in 2010 I took a sharp turn straight outside my comfort zone and I dared to say yes. I dared to chase something that for all I knew back then might be all in my head. I said yes and he said yes back. And that's how this - my best - adventure got started.

For the briefest of moments I looked the Universe in the eye (metaphorically speaking, of course) and despite all my fears tugging at the hem of my skirt, begging me to turn around, I said hell yes! And then I just had to follow through. My yes created a door and all I had to do after that was walk through it and carry on wherever it led. 

It is an inspiring thought. All you need is to muster 20 seconds of to-hell-with-it courage and you might end up somewhere completely different.

So tonight, when I seem to have awaken to the mess I created in my own life, this is reassuring. This means that great change is just around the corner. And all I need is to throw myself outside of my comfort zone for 20 seconds. That's less than you can hold your breath for.

So this is now my mantra for when things get scary or tough; I can moan how much and how loud I want, if first I give myself 20 seconds of insane courage.

Because that might just save my life. Again.

Ode to the body

I'm starting a new weight loss program and usually when you start one of those you come from a point of loathing towards what you see in the mirror, right?

This used to be me. I used to dread passing by a mirror and I would dive away when someone attempted to take a picture. I used to look at my reflection before/after a shower and I would scrutinise every single gram of fat visible. And I hated myself. So I ate to drown that hate and misery, which only lead to guilt, which in turn lead to more eating. Not the best place to start, is it?

But now, as I am just starting to embark on a healthier venture, my vision has changed and my perspective has shifted. I don't just see fat, I see a really strong body burried underneath.

I look at my body and I feel a deep sense of pride and amazement.

I have an awesome body.

Yes, it is fat, overweight, unfit, unhealthy and - according to societal standards - unattractive. But look at how much it has overcome! It has been put through an absurd amount of emotional trauma while I have fed it nothing but sugar and processed food for most of its existence. It has been put on a shelf (aka the sofa in front of the tv); it has never been used for play or much movement.

And yet here it is! I am not diabetic nor do I suffer from any major ailment. I am not bed-ridden with my fat dangling from the sides of the bed. I can walk. I can move freely. I can't run much, but I can set a goal and start working toward it right now. I can dance.

And I can choose to be kinder to a body that has done so much with so little.

It took me most of my life to see it this way.

And this is where I choose to start my journey.

Thankful Thursday # 21

Here it is again, my second favourite day of the week (Saturday is my favourite, in case you were wondering)

1. My boyfriend. I am a lucky, lucky woman to have found my soul mate so early in life and to have him by my side after living with me for so long. Very, very lucky.
2. Nice warm weather. No more wearing a coat every day, bright sunny skies, Summer is here!!
3. My tattoo. I decided long ago that for my 30th I would like to get my first tattoo. Last weekend I decided to take the plunge and do it I am over the moon with how great it looks!
4. Removing the second skin protecting my tattoo. So happy I finally got to take it off today!
5. Feel good videos like this one here!
6. So many new places to try. I've been wandering around Birmingham lately and I've discovered so many new restaurants I want to try, it's so exciting!
7. My lunch. Today I decided to pamper myself to lunch in a restaurant outside the office, while a jazz concert was going on right outside. It was a blissful moment in the middle of my workday and it felt like such a treat!
8. Portugal winning the Euro (still on a high on that one!)
9. Feeling the urge to move more. I can't believe how much I've missed the gym (seriously, who am I?)! Now that the tattoo is healing I'm so ready to get back on that rowing machine!

What about you? What are you grateful for today?

What have I been doing with my life?

Looking back at my life, here's what I think I got right so far:

1. My boyfriend. I have the greatest privilege in the world to be able to wake up every morning next to a man who loves me and supports me and my growth as a person. Someone who's always been there for me, who I look up to as the most intelligent, funny and loving person I've ever met. And if I play my cards right, I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

2. My job. I work in a contact centre for an organisation I've grown to love deeply. I love the people I work with, I like the job I do because it's so varied, fast-paced and loud. And because my bosses let me run with my creative side and come up with team-building challenges and whimsical things to boost morale. I may not have the grandest, most exciting job in the world, but I enjoy showing up for work every day and that's no small feat.

3. A house. Four days before I turned 30 we got the keys to our dream house. To say that our house is so very close to perfect is something that fills me with joy and pride. It is our love nest and I can see our whole future, with all its fulfilled dreams, coming true here. Every day when I walk through the entrance door and look around and I realise how lucky I am.

4. A few achievements when it comes to overcoming fear. I am a fearful person. Growing up in the midst of several family crisis and being raised by old people can do that to a person. So I was scared of everything. Everything. And in the past couple of years I've decided I am done with fear and it's time to see the world as an exciting adventure instead of a twisted sequence of death traps. So far I rode a camel through the desert dunes (scared of heights), I've survived an escape room experience (scared of horror movies), I've walked/climbed the Old Man of Storr in the Scotland (heights again), I've forced myself to go on one of many climbing sessions to get rid of my fear of heights and I've just got my first tattoo done (scared of being in pain). And I didn't die. And what's more, it all felt thrilling and joyous!

5. Early rising. I've always been a night owl and have always hated getting up in the morning. And then about a year ago things changed. I decided to finally be honest with myself and admit that I will never - ever! - go to the gym after work. It just won't happen; I'll be too tired, or too grumpy, or I'll have just remembered something I need to pick up on my way home and the store will be closed by the time I leave the gym, so I'll just cut the gym altogether. The stream of excuses is endless. So I realised that the only way I could make it to the gym consistently was if I did it before I did everything else and allowed life to get in the way. And so I just did it. I put my alarm to bonkers early (that's the official time) and was so utterly annoyed at myself when it went off that I thought I might as well make something of it. So I would get up and go to the gym, or meditate, or do something productive before work. And it stuck!


So there you go! I'm not saying my life is a rosy patch, but I'll say it's not completely doom and gloom either. There is a long (long, long, looooooong) road ahead to get me where I want to go, and the only way to get there is to tread it one step at a time. As Bob Marley puts it My feet are my only carriage. It's time to dust off my walking boots then.

The wonderful road awaits!

Thankful Thursday # 20

This is what I love about Thursdays; the safe haven that is doing this exercise! So here's what I am grateful for this week:

1. My boyfriend. The best person in the whole world and I get to wake up next to him everyday. And they say miracles don't happen...
2. Rising early. This is something relatively new. I used to be a night owl and now look at me!
3. The big read and its 175 book benches. It's like the big hoot owls last year. Which means I get to chase them around town, discovering new places and walking my fat off while I take silly selfies with them all.
4. My meditation practice. I started this in an effort to be more mindful, more aware of who I am and my toxic patterns of behaviour. I can't say I'm a totally new person, but I believe this has the potential to help me bring forth the best of me.
5. Watching the sun set from our bedroom window every day.
6. My nook. It's a safe place to think, to meditate and to cocoon while I grow some damn needed wings!
7. My fitbit. Putting the fun into walking. Because literally every little bit helps.
8. Summer and the ghost of bikini future. Because it's time to change my food habits and because deep (deep, deep, deeeeeeeeep) down I do enjoy how my body feels when it's not eating crap. 

On being fearless

I will not live my life out of fear.

Fear is the mind killer*.

Instead I will rise every day with a loving heart and the knowledge that it doesn't matter how much my legs are shaking, I will keep making my way down the path I believe will bring me happiness. At its end there isn't a pot of gold; there is my better self, and that is an infinitely better reward.

It doesn't matter how long the path is, or how unfit I am to tread it. All I need is to carry on my quest for today and trust that tomorrow - whatever it brings - the journey will be slightly smaller and my legs will have grown a bit stronger.

*Frank Herbert, Dune

The time is now, the day is here!*

(I'm not even going to apologise for the humongous hiatus, I'm just going to carry on writing like it's still 2015)

So this year I hit 30. Thirty. The time of my life I've been waiting for my whole life. Throughout my childhood and teen years I've always yearned to be 30. I figured I'd have my life sorted by then, would have decided which career to pursue, would have a loving and solid relationship, maybe a mortgage. Maybe even a kid, of the talk of a kid. Most of all I would have sorted myself. No more body issues or yo-yo diets, farewell to the unresolved trauma and bye bye to the not-so-quirky procrastination lifestyle. 

So I waited for 30. And herein lies my mistake. I didn't prepare or lay the foundations for this magical life, I just waited for it to happen. And when 30 hit there was no letter delivered by owl with my grown up diploma, or even a set of magical instructions to instant and lasting happiness.

But this is not a sob post. 

This is a race against time. I feel I have lost enough time already to squander any more of it on petty reprimands. It's time to learn how to be the person I idolised as a kid. I've cheated myself of time, the least I can do is to actually become that person.

So this is where I start.

Here and now.

To infinity and beyond!

*One day more, Les Miserables