Trust the world

It doesn't matter how many and how efficient my coping mechanisms are. There are days when I won't be able to fix myself. When I'll be cranky, moody, sad, disenchanted, low on motivation. And that's okay. Those are the days when all I want to do is to curl up in a ball and not budge from the sofa until it's time to drag myself to bed and not budge from there.

On those days I've learned to do the exact opposite. To trust that the world can heal me. The place I used to think of as unsafe, the place I used to run away from - yes, that place! It can heal me.

If you're not the best person to take care of you, then it stands to reason that getting out of yourself would be the best thing to make you feel better.

Sometimes it's going for a run when you don't feel like moving.

Sometimes it's opening your contact list and catching up with someone you haven't spoken to in a while or noticing an exciting new restaurant.

Sometimes it's starting a conversation with someone as you wait for the bus, or even just opening the door to a stranger.

Whatever it is, I open myself to however the Universe decides to surprise me. There is kindness and wonder out there. If you can't find it within, go look outside.

We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.

Jawaharlal Nehru

Adventure time

I just came back from a holiday in Cornwall. We went especially for the Eden Project and spent the rest of the time hopping around from village to village. Today is my last day before returning to work and the weather is lovely outside. And this is what this post is all about. Outside.

I was not an adventurous child. I was a stay indoors by the books and television type of person. From a very early age I came to perceive the world as a scary place. You could fall down and hurt yourself. You could get robbed. People could be mean to you. You could get lost. The perils were endless. And so I stayed indoors, where it was safe.

Now as a functioning adult I came to accept and love the fact that I am a bookish person. A film fan. I love indoor activities from the comfort of my home.

But somehow, thanks to a consistent effort to make small changes in my life, I find that my views have changed. Throughout the past year I have immersed myself in books, TED videos, podcasts, meditation sessions and films that have inspired to be the person I am today.

The world is a playground. You know that when you're a kid, but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it.

That's from the Jim Carrey film Yes Man. I spoke about it in a post from last year (that you can see here). I don't think the world was never my playground. Rather it was a succession of death traps and broken hearts. But not anymore.

Now I am yearning to go. To go outside, run, explore, find a new pub with a beer garden, drive somewhere new, open my laptop and find a new destination, book a romantic getaway, find a trail outdoors, go (indoor) rock climbing. Let me write that again - the person who is scared of heights wants to go (indoor) rock climbing. The person who's afraid of hurting herself and getting lost wants to do a trail somewhere in English countryside.  

The world is a vibrant, wonderful place full of possibilities. And I am - finally! - all for adventure.

Thankful Thursday # 26

Morning all! I know it's early, but today is a big day for me. Today I find out whether I got a job I'm completely mad about. Today I'm keeping all fingers and toes crossed in the hopes of receiving a great joy. But just in case it's bad news I decided to do this early to help me keep that silver lining in sight. Always.

Here we go!

1. Feeling sore. After a three week hiatus I decided to return to the gym. Because I knew I wasn't going to push myself properly I hired a personal trainer to do it for me. So 45 minutes of strain later, it's the morning after and I feel so so sore. Why am I grateful? Because if there's anything that keeps me on track with my diet is the thought that any excess food will be destroying what I did in the gym and all this pain will have been for nothing.
2. Books. I am thankful that I have a bountiful surplus of books around the house. It fills me with gratefulness that I will never want for a read.
3. My boyfriend. I know these past seven weeks haven't been easy, what with all the time and attention I had to dedicate to the job applications, but through it all my amazing boyfriend was always there. Available to listen, offering me a cup of tea or a massage, never troubling me with his own problems. I don't doubt that this has been a great challenge for him too. I am so grateful to have him in my life and I will now be turning my eyes to how I can repay him.
4. How much I've learned throughout this process. I am so so proud of myself that I got this far. When I first read the questions on the job application I thought to myself: "There's no point applying for this, I won't even get shortlisted." And yet here I am! I got shortlisted, I went on to the interview and scored so high an evenly with candidates that do this for a living that they had to arrange for a second set of interviews. I fought back, and I persevered. I have found a strength and a resourcefulness that I think would make me the perfect candidate not just for this job, but any job I set my eyes on.
5. My team. I couldn't have done this without them too. The members of my team have supported me so so much. They motivated me at times when I started to doubt myself, they helped me with interview tips on body language and how to be engaging. They helped me tweak my examples and make sure what I was bringing to the interview was as perfect as possible. They comforted me whenever I started to freak out, they've wished me the best of luck, they've kept their fingers crossed for me. Whatever happens today, I'm grateful for all the goodness they've shown me.
6. Donald Trump. Yes, you read that right. The words Donald Trump are now one of my daily mantras. Because if Trump can become the president of America without any qualifications for the job, then surely I can achieve whatever I damn want!

Thankful Thursday #25

This has been a very intense couple of weeks, but it is that time of the week, so here we go again!

1. Someone you love to come home to
2. A hot shower after work
3. Jumping into your pajamas after said hot shower
4. Cuddling while you listen to the rain falling outside
5. A steaming hot cup of chai tea
6. The new John Lewis Christmas advert
7. Homemade fajitas for lunch
8. Youtube - my favourite tool to get crash courses on things I need for work!
9. Autumn-y craft projects!
10. A warm and comfy bed

Ode to Autumn

Every year that goes by I fall deeper and deeper in love with Autumn. It is definitely an under appreciated season. It seems that we are more than happy to welcome Spring with it's sunnier days and cleaning sprees, we adore Summer with its warm weather and barbecues, we love Winter with Christmas and the promise of a brand new and happier year. Autumn is when we groan about the colder days, the rain, mourning the end of Summer and longing for Christmas. But Autumn has so so much wonder to offer. Here's what I love about Autumn:

1. How pretty the trees look all dressed in varying tones of yellow and red.
2. The satisfying crunch of stepping on freshly fallen leaves.
3. Jumping on puddles. Is this not why wellies were invented?
4. The colder days that makes outside feel brisk and indoors so cosy.
5. Long sleeves. There is an inexplicable satisfaction in tugging at your long sleeves as the weather gets colder.
6. Scented candles. I love how cosy a simple scented candle can make a room (particularly sandalwood scented ones), which brings me to the next topic...
7. Hot baths. One of my favourite ways to unwind after a long workday. Get warm and cosy and just chill with a candle and an Autumn playlist.
8. Bonfire night. It's one of my very first memories of when I moved to the UK, going over to the fireworks display, all wrapped up in my coat, scarf and gloves, eating hot dogs and listening to cheesy music while we wait. 
9. Going tea crazy. Peppermint, chai, spiced apple, have your pick! It is one of the easiest ways for me to practice thankfulness, to simply wrap my hands around a hot cuppa and savour the smell, the steam dancing above the mug, the hot comfort and taste of the tea.
10. Sleeping under a heavier duvet. I like to burrow when I sleep. I'm a self-professed burrito sleeper, and I make no apologies. And it's so much yummier to do snuggle under a heavy duvet than with a feather-light summer duvet.
11. Hearty food season! Proper roasts, heart-warming soups, apple crumble with custard, stuffed butternut squash, roasted veg - yum!
12. Crafts season! Get your needles and your yarn ready! It is such a simple pleasure to see something created out of nothing; there is a little bit of wool at the end of your needle, and suddenly it's a two metre scarf!
13. Hallowe'en. I like the idea of Hallowe'en, even though I've never partaken in it much, if I'm being honest. I like the sweets, the films, the dressing up, the excuse to celebrate.
14. Stay in plans. Movie nights, game nights, reading marathons, or simply chatting and snuggling up. In a word: perfection!

I could go on, but I choose to stop boring you now. Also my chai is going cold.

Thankful Thursday #24

It's been a while since I've done one of these. In fairness, it's been a while since I've written anything here, period. I've been monstruously busy, but I'm hoping I can muster this in 5 minutes. Here we go!

1. My boyfriend. He is the most amazing man and has been so incredibly supportive of me in the past few weeks (as always). I wouldn't have been able to achieve as much as I have without him cheering me on and offering me a cup of tea at the right moment (which is always).
2. My job. It's the busiest time of year for us, but I still enjoy showing up for work every day.
3. Having frames on the walls. Yes! Our home is taking shape!
4. Mint tea. Hot or cold, mint tea is always the way!
5. Scrapbooking. It helps me unwind after a busy day and it allows me to get rid of all the magazines I've hoarded for years for the sake of a handful of recipes.
6. Running outside. While I still can, morning runs on the weekend are a thing of bliss.
7. Autumn. The falling leaves, the comfort of long sleeves, the pleasure of a hot cuppa.
8. Our bed. It is one of the purest forms of gratitude I know, the being thankful for a warm comfy bed after a long day. 

Happiness up for grabs

In the world we live in there are wars. There are countries that suffer from poverty, famine and disease. There are poor. There are natural catastrophes that obliterate people's lives in a matter of seconds.

Luckily for the most of us that is not the case. We are blessed with the mundane. The day to day routine. For us happiness is up for grabs, if we only know where to look for it.

Searching for happiness is like working out a muscle. The more you do it, the easier it becomes and the more the habit sustains itself. It starts with the small. Enough little things can make or break a day.

So start noticing the good. Make a list of it, even.

Watching the sun rise. Getting a seat in the morning bus. Listening to your favourite song on the way to work. Resisting the smell of freshly baked croissants on your way to work. Someone holding the door for you. Finding an unexpected fiver in your pocket. The sound of rain when you're indoors. The sound of rain when you're outdoors. Getting a compliment. Giving a compliment. Catching up with an old friend or acquaintance. Starting a new bottle of shower gel with a different scent. Seeing the sun set. Falling asleep in a warm, comfy bed.

Our lives are filled with blessings, if only we bother to look around and see them. There is love in the air. Literally. You can breathe it in. Believe there are good things out there for you and you will start to see them. I'll give you an example, just keep reading.

I work in an office where there is seldom a shortage of chocolate and sweets. One lunchtime I was finding it particularly hard to ignore them and stick to my diet. So I decided to avoid temptation by spending the remainder of my lunch break outside. I leave the office to discover it's a lovely warm sunny day, I got a chilled Americano coffee (less than 20kcals!) at Starbucks with a discount I didn't know I was entitled to, and I spent my time soaking up the sunshine while listening to a street performer play some of my favourite songs.

Get what I mean? Go out, open your eyes, see the joy around you. Marvel in the million small blessings that make up your daily life. There is joy and excitement in your mundane existence. You just need to open your heart to it.

The art of departure

Even to the well seasoned traveller, leaving is hard.

Yesterday I came back from a two week holiday in Portugal. I have been doing this for five years now, and even though I got really good at it, on some level it's always hard. Because I care. Because regardless of how much I love my new life, I also love what I'm leaving behind. The people, the places, the weather, the food, the people, the people, the people.

So how do I do it?

The secret of a good, clean departure starts with a good arrival. Plan what you want to do, make a list of everything thing you want to do, people to see, places to revisit, food to savour, activities to do. Then have a good look at it and accept that life will get in the way, some things will not get crossed, others will happen. Go with it. The secret of a good departure starts with making the most of your time so you can leave with no regrets.

But how do you leave? This is what works for me.

I focus on the task at hand instead of the act of leaving. I emotionally cut myself free of the place where I am physically and begin focussing on getting back to where my life is. Packing the hold luggage. Then the cabin luggage. Then I set my alarm and plan how to get to the airport. Then doing the check in. Passing security, getting food and drink. Finding my gate. I go as far as I can until I have to stop, I don't stay idle and before I notice it I'm sitting down and the plane is taking off.

In my mind the flight itself is no man's land. It's a peaceful sort of limbo that allows me to cherish the memories I bring with me, lets me grieve and process and then look ahead to what I have to look forward to. In a book I read recently one of the characters said something like I will not let myself be sad about the past because that will steal me time and energy that I will need to make myself a brighter future. I'm grossly paraphrasing, but that was the gist of it, I swear.

The secret of a happy departure is how bright you make your current surroundings when you arrive. Enjoy the sunny/rainy/cloudy/bright/dark skies, the temperature, the familiar places, the food and flavours, the people you are returning to. Remember that famous Edith Piaf song that tells you to look at life though rose-tinted glasses? La vie en rose it was called. Do that! See the silver lining in everything. It might be hard at first, but I promise that it's like any other muscle; once you get the hang of it it gets better, fun even!

The secret of a successful departure is to get started on new projects. I like to make a list during the flight. I look at coming back like a sort of new years; look at my life, make resolutions, get my planning done, get ready to make it a reality.

I've been back for only twenty four hours and all I can feel is the happiness of my surroundings, the smell of freshly fallen rain, the stunning red sunset, the warmth of my boyfriend's hands. All I can think of is the new projects I want to start, from buying new curtains to getting my upper body muscles ready to go climbing again, to keep on dieting until I get into my new blue dress in time for the Christmas party!

Even to the well seasoned traveller, leaving is hard. But it only gets as hard as you let it be.

Love measured in linen

My grandmother lived in a time when it was customary for parents to put together a trousseau (I believe I'm using that word right) for when their daughter got married. This would be mostly linen; bed linen, table linen, bathroom linen. 

My grandmother lived a life of limited means. Both her pension and my grandfather's were ridiculously small (as a lot of pensions in Portugal are) and yet she still managed to put food on the table, pay the bills and save a little for a rainy day. I remember that for years she used to save all the €1 coins in a biscuit tin and when the tin was full she would go out and buy the best her money could buy for my trousseau. Your mother isn't here to do it, so I'll do it for her, she would say.

My grandmother passed away six years ago. She had my trousseau moved before she died, so I never came into contact with it until a year ago when I decided to clear some cupboards at my dad's.

And then it hit me. The full scale of it. There were dozens and dozens of bed linen sets, most of them embroided by hand. There were tablecloths made of the finest handwoven linen and dozens of bathroom linen sets, some embroided with my initials. Let's not even talk about the small stuff like tea towels! All of it put together would be more than enough to furnish a medium sized hotel. No word of a joke there.

I wonder how many times that biscuit tin had to be filled over how many years in order for me to have all that treasure. Because it is a treasure. It's a small fortune made of cloth.

I couldn't possibly keep everything. There was too much of it, I live abroad, and I would never use some of the stuff she bought after so much sacrifice. I felt bad for letting it go to waste in a dark cupboard, so I donated it to people who she knew took good care of me in my formative years and who would cherish those expensive items. I would've certainly burnt a hole in one of the finest tablecloths the moment I tried to iron it, so you see my point.

As I sorted through everything I felt a wave of unspoken love wash over me. Every single item had been carefully selected and paid for after so much sacrifice. That bathroom linen set meant she could've spent more on her grocery shopping that month. Each tea towel meant a walk that could've been the bus fare instead. Some items were by themselves enough to pay for a short holiday. 

Even though most of them weren't my cup of tea I loved and cherished every single thing for the love they spoke of. The love she professed for years and that I never bothered to listen to was there, punching me in the face. It could not - it would not - be ignored. And for all of it I'm thankful.

Thankful Thursday #23

I can't believe it's that time of the week already (this is partly because I'm on holiday, so it's a miracle I remember what day of the week it is). Here we go:

1. Being on holiday. This one is a no brainer! Yes, I still get up shockingly early, but there's no alarm clock and I do it by choice/habit, and therein lies a world of difference!
2. Wearing a bikini. It's been years since I wore one, but this year, even though I'm not even half done with my weight loss program, I decided to treat myself to a bikini. Oddly enough, instead of making me feel self conscious, the sight of stomach in the sunshine has pushed me to stay clear of the constant temptations, so win!
3. Being able to nap. I find it amusing that we spend the first quarter of our lives wanting to grow up, and the rest of it discovering childhood pleasures we seldom get to enjoy now that we're adults. Like napping. There is untold joy in being able to take a cheeky nap when you're on holiday.
4. Giving up chocolate for two months. Definitely the best decision to make before the holidays, as this has made my resolve to not gain any holiday weight that much stronger. 
5. Meditation. When you live abroad and then come back to your native country on holiday life can be very confusing. It's that feeling of finally coming home to a place that isn't home anymore. So even though I don't always feel like it, I force myself to sit down everyday and meditate for a bit, because it helps me find my centre and clear my focus.
6. Grilled fish. No need to elaborate.
7. My boyfriend. Through our entire relationship my boyfriend has always supported me, even in times when I wasn't able to make the most of that support. Now that I feel stronger and more focused his support has been priceless. I am determined to chance my life, to grown, to gain new skills and let go of memories and behaviours that no longer suit me and the lifestyle I hope to have. And it's great that I don't have to do this alone.