Hello silence, my old friend

We live in a world where distraction comes so easily. We spend our days immersed in books, films, series, articles, TED videos, podcasts. So it's easy to lose ourselves. To stop noticing how we are. How we feel. What we're thinking. What we want. Where we are going. Without realising it we are living one day after another immersed a multitude of realities (fictional and otherwise) and we forget to remind ourselves of the big picture. Am I doing something today to ensure I achieve that long, far-away goal I said I'd meet in *insert achievable timescale*? Am I moving forward or am I standing still?

For the last couple of years I've been on a mission to rewire my life, inside and out. I have watched countless TED videos, listened to multiple podcasts and read numerous authors on a plethora of topics, from lifehacks for your kitchen to productivity, to dealing with past trauma, to being a better partner, to pretty much anything remotely related to personal development.

I listen to podcasts on my walk to work, I read books on the bus, I work, I leave work and repeat the same process and then on my free time what do I do? I read fiction and watch films and series. And this left me wondering: where am I in the middle of all this? Where is my voice?

In a world that has grown so loud I have forgotten the importance of silence. Of standing still. Of being in the moment. Of not worrying about all I still have to do, or fretting over what I am doing. Of being enough. 

All those articles have been paramount to all the changes I have made in my life and for that I am grateful. But when I open my mouth I want to be sure the words that come out are truly my own. Things I matured myself and not half empty words from someone marooned and lost within my head. So I am making an effort to take a step back from the deluge of information I subject myself to daily.

Yes, I will still read those articles, but I will not binge. I will not spend hours alienated from the world (no matter how engrossing the book!). And I will not torture myself if don't achieve absolutely everything on my daily to-do list simply because I decided to spend some time looking at steam rising from a cup of tea or listening to a good song. Because those things bring me back to the present. I will check up with myself more. I will write more. I will speak more. I will feel more. I will live more.

Do you want to join me?

Thankful Thursday # 28

Here we are again. Of all the changes in my life in the past few years, this weekly thankfulness practice is one of the things that stuck. And here's some of the reasons why:

1. My boyfriend. I love this man to bits and I am so happy and proud to share my life with him.
2. My kindle As a home owner I've come to the painful realisation that books take a lot of space and gather a heck of a lot of dust. So the kindle allows me to buy every book I want without the added space.
3. The cooler weather. I loved the sunny days, but I have missed sleeping comfortably under a duvet.
4. Disposable income. I wouldn't say I splash money, but every now and then I like to buy something without the worry of whether it will impact my finances.
5. The big sleuth. Birmingham is full of bear statues, and I've started collecting selfies with them. Twenty down, one hundred and seventeen to go!
6. Being able to make a conscious choice to be better, every day.
7. Otters. Cute and fluffly and totally able to put a smile on my face.

The life-saving art of gratitude

Today, I woke up to the sound of much rain and wind. It was stupid am (that's the official time), and I had set my alarm clock to go to the gym before work. I pondered not going. The weather was terrible; very wet, very windy, cloudy and cold.

And as I sat on the sofa, drinking my morning coffee in my pajamas and debating whether to get dressed in gym clothes or work clothes, I felt this wave of gratitude wash over me. I have been practising gratitude for a few years now and it has truly transformed my life and how my senses take on the Universe around me. Gratitude has reshaped my mind and has given me a new trust in the world and all the good and kindness within it. Because as I was mulling over to workout or not to workout, my gratitude muscles kicked in and this is what I knew:

I was grateful for the warm, comfy bed where I had rested, and which would be waiting for me at the end of the day.

I was grateful that I had a gym to workout in, instead of having to run outside in the rain.

I was grateful for the warm shower I would have in the gym before work.

I was grateful for being dry again after bracing the weather.

I was grateful for the raindrops that would fall on my bare legs and would wake me up to the new day.

I was grateful for the not so glamorous weather that allowed me to concentrate on my book instead of gazing out the bus window.

I was grateful for the almost empty gym.

I was grateful for many, many things. All still from the comfort of my sofa. Because I have learned to believe that there are many things to be grateful for, even if I haven't experienced them yet. I could close my eyes and feel all the items listed above and how good they would feel. I left the house with a smile on my face as I made my way to the gym.

Because happiness waits for no man (or woman). And I certainly am not going to pen myself waiting for the rain to pass. So I learn to brace the weather and find joy where I can. And turns out that's pretty much anywhere.

Stories our bodies tell

So a few days ago I had a (very thorough) health check thanks to this scheme from work. For the hypochondriac in me, it was heaven because it just gave me the peace of mind I crave. So for about three hours I did blood and urine tests, I got an ECG, I had my spine scanned, my lung capacity tested, body measurements taken, I had my ability to cope with stress tested, amongst other things.

The thing that struck me about half way there was to see how my past showed on all the tests and scans. Beyond everything I inherited through my DNA and the lifestyle I chose to maintain or change, I could clearly see the physical markings of my past on those tests. How my years of singing have affected and reshaped my lung capacity, how the short and irregular yoga sessions have stretched my spine flexibility, how more than a decade of dancing has impacted my muscle resistance and responses. I could see, black on white, how the changes I made in terms of diet and exercise over the last 18 months have made my body ten years younger. And I would see how those seemingly innocuous meditation practices have given me a completely new and abnormal control of my stress levels.

I've read it multiples (over a plethora of forums) that over the course of seven years your body replaces every single cell that makes you you. This means that we are literally completely new people from the individuals we were seven years ago. Everything changes over time. In fact, change is the essence of life. And I love my body for embracing it. I really, really do.

Despite how stubborn and pig-headed I can be sometimes, despite how scarred I've been and the amount of emotional baggage I've carried over the years, my body keeps embracing change. Like it's nothing, as if it's this effortless thing. My body teaches me hope. It shows me how the little things I do today can help reshape the person I will be tomorrow. So I choose to shine today, not just for my sake, but for my tomorrow self.

Bring it on.

Power to the people

Many, many years ago there lived an old lady in my aunt's building. One day the old lady knocked on my aunt's door saying her washing machine was broken and would my aunt mind if she used her washing machine until hers was repaired. Being the good Christian and generally nice person that she is, my aunt said yes, and so the old lady started to come over about once a week with her laundry, and while she waited to the washing cycle to finish they would chat. This went on for a while, and a few months later the old lady passed away. When her house was emptied amongst other belongings there was a washing machine in perfect condition. It was then that my aunt learned that the old lady never needed to use her washing machine; she was simply lonely and that time she spent doing her laundry at my aunts was probably the only decent human interaction she had.

And this makes me think. How many of us are lonely out there? How many - especially in older generations - are ashamed to admit they need a bit of human contact? And how oblivious are we to other people's plight, simply because we dig ourselves too deep into our own lives? Our busy, multitasking existence? Are our glowing screens (those magical instruments that allow us to connect with the world) keeping us from looking eye to eye? From actually seeing what's around us, and more importantly, who's around us? From touching people. Is our constant typing and scrolling keeping us from holding a loved one? From running our fingers through their hair. From actually being there, totally there.

Today as I got comfortable on the bus seat and I grabbed my phone, ready to immerse myself in some video or other, I realised that if I did connect to the web, I would disconnect from the world around me, and I wasn't okay with that. I would miss the sunrise from the top of the A34. I would miss seeing the world awakening around me. I would not see the usual people I see on my commute (the Russian lady with her energy drink, the bloke with a Portugal cap, the executive with his Harry Potter socks). I would drive people away that might otherwise engage me in a morning chat. So I didn't. Today there were no videos, no readings, no games, no quizzes, nothing! Just my eyes taking in the world and my ears welcoming the people. Today was a good day.

Thankful Thursday # 27

Today I am cranky. I am tired and moody and this muggy weather isn't helping. All of these are perfectly good reasons for me to do this again, so here we go!

1. My boyfriend. By far my favourite person in the whole Universe, and I'm the lucky gal to spend my life with him.
2. Lack of rain. The forecast for today said we were due a rainy afternoon. Having forgotten my umbrella at home, I was very pleased to get home safe and dry.
3. Gung-ho! A week ago I ran my very first 5k. With inflatable obstacles, obviously! It was amazing and to this day I'm buzzing with the sense of achievement.
4. Surviving fresh pastries. On my daily commute I pass by a variety of supermarkets and coffee places right when their pastries are fresh out of the oven. I am showered with a feeling of badassery (yes, that's a word!) every morning when I manage to ignore that almost irresistible smell.
5. Push-ups. Yesterday I came to realise that I can do grown up push-ups (meaning the normal way, as opposed to doing it on my knees). This is the very first time in my whole life when I've managed this.
6. An abundance of books. I love that conundrum of finishing a book and having way too many to choose from for my next read. I am very, very privileged.
7. Going to bed when we please. We are a young, vibrant couple with no dependants or commitments, which means having the freedom to get home, put on our pajamas and have an early night. Bliss.
8. My otter pajama. Not explanation needed.

These chains are made for breakin'

Sometime this week while listening to my morning podcasts I came across an interesting post. It went something like this: when a baby elephant starts being domesticated he is bound with a metal chain on his ankle. This chain is secured to the floor by a wooden peg. At first the baby elephant will pull and pull and fight to free himself. As he learns that the chain cannot be broken, he stops resisting. Fast forward to when the elephant is a fully grown adult and the chain is reintroduced. Despite the fact that the mighty elephant could easily break the chain with a pull, he won't even try. Because he has learned that the chain cannot be broken. He is one of the most powerful animals to walk the Earth, and he keeps himself strapped to a puny chain because he can't see his circumstances have changed dramatically.

The post went on to talk about self-limiting beliefs and how most of our own limitations are in our head. They've been put there by our past experiences, by what we've been told, by what we've come to believe. And it all rang so true to me.

I am a couch potato at heart (I love spending time knitting and watching films, could do it for days on end), but that doesn't define me and it most certainly doesn't keep me from doing new things, from going out and exploring. I am scared of heights, but that fear doesn't own me. It isn't something carved in stone and set for life. These are things (like most things that) I can fight back. 

In the last couple of years I may not have changed much of how I speak about myself, and yet sometimes just a single word can make a world of difference. In past couple of years I've changed from saying "I am afraid of heights" to "I am currently afraid of heights". I went from saying "I can't run 5k" to "I can't run 5k yet".

And so today I completed my first 5k run. With inflatable obstacles. One of them a climbing wall. After listening to that particular podcast again, I made sure I jumped into every obstacle before my mind had a chance to evoke my fears. I could fall down. I could slip. I could hurt myself. I could make myself a fool in front of everyone. And so I ran and I jumped and I had the most fun my body's had in ages. Today I was playful and I was fearless, not because I didn't have any fears, but simply because I literally ran away from them.

And now I know I can. Now my chain is broken. And I vow to carry on breaking many more chains. Challenging myself. Becoming better that who I was yesterday. I've learned that all my chains are temporary, and in time I'll break 'em all and I'll run free.

PS: Want to read the full post I mentioned? Visit:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/09/02/5-things-you-should-know-about-letting-go/ 

Trust the world

It doesn't matter how many and how efficient my coping mechanisms are. There are days when I won't be able to fix myself. When I'll be cranky, moody, sad, disenchanted, low on motivation. And that's okay. Those are the days when all I want to do is to curl up in a ball and not budge from the sofa until it's time to drag myself to bed and not budge from there.

On those days I've learned to do the exact opposite. To trust that the world can heal me. The place I used to think of as unsafe, the place I used to run away from - yes, that place! It can heal me.

If you're not the best person to take care of you, then it stands to reason that getting out of yourself would be the best thing to make you feel better.

Sometimes it's going for a run when you don't feel like moving.

Sometimes it's opening your contact list and catching up with someone you haven't spoken to in a while or noticing an exciting new restaurant.

Sometimes it's starting a conversation with someone as you wait for the bus, or even just opening the door to a stranger.

Whatever it is, I open myself to however the Universe decides to surprise me. There is kindness and wonder out there. If you can't find it within, go look outside.

We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.

Jawaharlal Nehru

Adventure time

I just came back from a holiday in Cornwall. We went especially for the Eden Project and spent the rest of the time hopping around from village to village. Today is my last day before returning to work and the weather is lovely outside. And this is what this post is all about. Outside.

I was not an adventurous child. I was a stay indoors by the books and television type of person. From a very early age I came to perceive the world as a scary place. You could fall down and hurt yourself. You could get robbed. People could be mean to you. You could get lost. The perils were endless. And so I stayed indoors, where it was safe.

Now as a functioning adult I came to accept and love the fact that I am a bookish person. A film fan. I love indoor activities from the comfort of my home.

But somehow, thanks to a consistent effort to make small changes in my life, I find that my views have changed. Throughout the past year I have immersed myself in books, TED videos, podcasts, meditation sessions and films that have inspired to be the person I am today.

The world is a playground. You know that when you're a kid, but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it.

That's from the Jim Carrey film Yes Man. I spoke about it in a post from last year (that you can see here). I don't think the world was never my playground. Rather it was a succession of death traps and broken hearts. But not anymore.

Now I am yearning to go. To go outside, run, explore, find a new pub with a beer garden, drive somewhere new, open my laptop and find a new destination, book a romantic getaway, find a trail outdoors, go (indoor) rock climbing. Let me write that again - the person who is scared of heights wants to go (indoor) rock climbing. The person who's afraid of hurting herself and getting lost wants to do a trail somewhere in English countryside.  

The world is a vibrant, wonderful place full of possibilities. And I am - finally! - all for adventure.

Thankful Thursday # 26

Morning all! I know it's early, but today is a big day for me. Today I find out whether I got a job I'm completely mad about. Today I'm keeping all fingers and toes crossed in the hopes of receiving a great joy. But just in case it's bad news I decided to do this early to help me keep that silver lining in sight. Always.

Here we go!

1. Feeling sore. After a three week hiatus I decided to return to the gym. Because I knew I wasn't going to push myself properly I hired a personal trainer to do it for me. So 45 minutes of strain later, it's the morning after and I feel so so sore. Why am I grateful? Because if there's anything that keeps me on track with my diet is the thought that any excess food will be destroying what I did in the gym and all this pain will have been for nothing.
2. Books. I am thankful that I have a bountiful surplus of books around the house. It fills me with gratefulness that I will never want for a read.
3. My boyfriend. I know these past seven weeks haven't been easy, what with all the time and attention I had to dedicate to the job applications, but through it all my amazing boyfriend was always there. Available to listen, offering me a cup of tea or a massage, never troubling me with his own problems. I don't doubt that this has been a great challenge for him too. I am so grateful to have him in my life and I will now be turning my eyes to how I can repay him.
4. How much I've learned throughout this process. I am so so proud of myself that I got this far. When I first read the questions on the job application I thought to myself: "There's no point applying for this, I won't even get shortlisted." And yet here I am! I got shortlisted, I went on to the interview and scored so high an evenly with candidates that do this for a living that they had to arrange for a second set of interviews. I fought back, and I persevered. I have found a strength and a resourcefulness that I think would make me the perfect candidate not just for this job, but any job I set my eyes on.
5. My team. I couldn't have done this without them too. The members of my team have supported me so so much. They motivated me at times when I started to doubt myself, they helped me with interview tips on body language and how to be engaging. They helped me tweak my examples and make sure what I was bringing to the interview was as perfect as possible. They comforted me whenever I started to freak out, they've wished me the best of luck, they've kept their fingers crossed for me. Whatever happens today, I'm grateful for all the goodness they've shown me.
6. Donald Trump. Yes, you read that right. The words Donald Trump are now one of my daily mantras. Because if Trump can become the president of America without any qualifications for the job, then surely I can achieve whatever I damn want!